Survivor: Pirate Crazy
Friday, September 19, 2003. Entry #226

(In honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day, and since this season of Survivor is set in the Pearl Islands, a place rich in pirate history, I've run today's entry through a English-To-Pirate Translator. If you have troubles reading it, the original, boring entry is here.)

When abandoned onna tropical island, always wear yer best, maties.

Survivor: Pearl Islands premiered last night, and we drank in every lurvely minute.

I havet'say, I laughed more times watchin' this season's premiere than any before, arr. I also found meself rootin' for and empathizin' with more o'them then ever. I tink this'll be a good season.

Off they go, expectin't'be headed for a photo shoot. But no! They're tossed overboard in their Armani suits and strapless cocktail dresses. They were graciously allowed their tennis shoes, but noneo't'other clothes and equipment they packed for themselves, includin' any luxury items.

Har!

I thought it funny when they were given a bago'loot and sent t'wander around this tiny island village t'barter for goods. But when Team Morgan dumped their life raft filled with their good shoes and other trade booty beside Team Drake's raft and left it unattended, and t'shaggy giant Rupert took it on himself t'pillage their loot and use it t'buy booty for his team? Har har har! Aye, Morgan had enough doubloons for fishin' lines and tarp and stuff, but Drake made off with several whole and cooked chickens, tarps, equipment, knives and (best o'all) a HARPOON GUN! Team Morgan didn't even buy any water containers.

I tell you, Team Morgan was a continual example o'uselessness. Once they got t't'island they built their shelter. On t'beach (forgettin' about how storms tend t'wipe everythin' on beaches away) up against a shale cliff (which dumped rocks on their heads all night), right smack down on t'ground (where they met t'local population o'pinchy hermit crabs and snakes).

Then they spent t'afternoon wanderin' aimlessly lookin' for water, without noticin' that 'Water Well' was clearly marked on t'map they had been given.

Aye, they were clever in t'immunity challenge, lettin' Team Drake clear away t'rocks and logs that stood in t'way o't'two teams schleppin' a six pounder across t'island, so they wouldn't be too tired for t'long run t't'finish line, but t'lack o'fish, water and sleep did them in, forcin' them t'go t't'Tribal Council.

And, for t'first time in Survivor history, t'evicted... t'buxom, blonde scurvey dogy lass! Who would'a guessed it! Nerd-lad and t'Scout Master made it another round! Yay!

Enough. So you at home can make your informed picks, here's me annual Survivor Breakdown!

DRAKE TRIBE
	Burton Roberts, 31-year-old Marketin' Executive Decent enough guy for t'first bit. Ready t'help, energetic, fit. He even went out with t'harpoon gun and caught t'first fish o't'game. Still, he and Shawn formed a cool-guy leadership bond that's already alienatin' some o't'others.
	Christa Hastie, 24-year-old Computer Programmer I tell you, most o't'programmers I've worked with aren't this cute. She's perky and helpful, and eagerly sacrificed her light sundress when it became evident it was too fragile t'remain her primary piece o'clothin'. She talks like she has her fin'ers in her nose though. Not one o't'cool sprogs.
	Jon Dalton, 29-year-old Art Consultant T'party guy. Laugh-a-minute. Already beginnin' t'irritate t'rest o'his tribe. Reminds Rupert o't'troubled sprogs he counsels at his job. He also looks hauntin'ly like t'Surfer Dude who occupies t'desk beside me at work. He's not overly fit, so t'crude jokes and dull wit won't keep him around long.
	Michelle Tesauro, 22-year-old Student Didn't see much o'her, but she seems fit and smart. What little we heard from her was starboard on t'doubloons. Plus she's cute. She'll do well.
	Rupert Boneham, 39-year-old Troubled Teens Mentor Ah Rupert, you big shaggy ex-hippie you. Already you've won me loyalty with your torn-skirt-wearin', opposite-team-pillagin', fishin'-until-you-outdo-Burton-despite-3rd-degree-sunburns ways. If you weren't so flabby and psycho lookin' (Counsel me kid? No freakin' way!), you'd be me pick in t'office pool.
	Sandra Diaz-Twine, 29-year-old Office Assistant Me early pick from before t'show started, and I was very satisfied with t'fact that she was t'only one able t'speak Spanish well enough t'properly barter for booty in t'village. She managed t'talk a beauty into tradin' her everythin' in this huge public barbecue (chickens, tin foil, condiments, utensils... everythin' but t'big oil drum barbecue itself) for her gold necklace. That lin'uistic skill won't help too much later though.
	Shawn Cohen, 29-year-old Advertisin' Sales His bio says everyone calls him "t'ultimate salesman". That's enough t'get him booted in me book. He cozied up with Burton t't'exclusion o'everyone else. Also very bad. Plus he's pretty and knows it. Three strikes, me hearty.
	Trish Dunn, 42-year-old Sales Executive Another one we hardly heard or saw, save that bit where she thought t'sales beauty was kiddin' when she offered t'trade Trish for two bottles o'kerosene and a lantern. Creepy. Still, keepin' your head down be good. Seems pretty fit lookin' for 42 as well.
MORGAN TRIBE
	Andrew Savage, 40-year-old Attorney I cried when he went overboard with his $4000 Armani suit. Only it was more like laughter. A lot more. He managed t'connive his way into t'leadership role, and then helped guide Nicole t'her self-destruction, when it became obvious that allyin' himself with her would be a bad idea. He's a force t'be reckoned with.
	Darrah Johnson, 22-year-old Mortician Okay, points for bein' a mortician. Also, points for keepin' her trap shut unless it was absolutely necessary. Someone's been watchin' t're-runs. But really, what t'hell kind o'name be 'Darrah'? Did her Dad have a head cold? "Yeah I wanna dame her afder dat agtress in Buffy. Darrah Bichelle Gellah."
	Lillian "Lill" Morris, 51-year-old Scout Troop Leader I was a Boy Scout for somethin' like 15 years, so I know t'horror this beauty must have felt t'have t'wear her uniform for her entire stay on t'island. Those damned things itch. Still, she's very cool, and likely knows a couple things about t'outdoors. Doesn't explain why she let them build t'shelter on t'damn beach though. She's a weak link and will be gone soon enough.
	Nicole Delma, 24-year-old Massage Therapist An unlikely first person t'be booted. I would've thought t'tribe would have kept her curvy, cocktail-dress-wearin' bod around long enough t'get her naked at least once. Still, she moved right into t'scurvey dogy lass niche, and fell hard when Andrew stuck her out t'dry. I love mixed metaphors.
	Osten Taylor, 27-year-old Equity Trade Manager Have I mentioned how sexy I think bald black guys are? I mean, if I was gay and all o'course. And Osten be totally ripped t'boot. Pity he's a bit o'a jerk though. He seemed awful anxious t'get naked too. I think he'll last.
	Ryan Opray, 31-year-old Electrician Cozied right up t'Andrew, and will likely be ridin' some coattails I think. He's in good shape though, but also seemed too eager t'get naked.
	Ryan Shoulders, 23-year-old Produce Clerk Our first token geek. He's over six-feet tall I would guess, thin as a rail, wears glasses and be a communications and computer science major. A real liability challenge-wise, but I have a hidden secret hope (don't tell anyone) that he'll go far. Win it for t'rest o'us Ryan! Realistically, though, he was almost gone this episode. Take that as you will.
	Tijuana Bradley, 27-year-old Pharmaceutical Sales Osten immediately dubbed her t'Nubian Princess, which cost him points in me book. She be pretty, but seems awful vapid, and it seemed she was ready t'shift loyalties at t'drop o'a hat. Arr, that sometimes works on this show.

Me pick t'win: I'm goin' t'say Sandra. Part o'me wants it t'be Ryan S. but that's just not goin' t'happen. Rupert be me fav, but me doubloons's on Sandra.

Next week's loser: Given me record, it'll probably be Sandra. But I'm goin' t'predict: If Drake loses immunity Jon be toast. If Morgan loses, Lillian be out o'thar.

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