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There is a part of me that really wants to see all six remaining houseguests walk right out of the Big Brother house tonight. I'm getting to the point where I just want it to be over.
Oh Paul Römer... You've failed me so bad. Big Brother may be a smash hit over seas, but the boat has been so missed here. Okay, your ratings are good, but if my friends and coworkers are any judge, it just car wreck ratings. They are waiting for it to fall apart, and that ain't any good.
From my well-padded, media-engorged seat here in viewer land, let me tell you where you went so horribly wrong.
- Where did you get these people? The only ones with any personality have been booted. Brittany, Jordan, even William had more character than the shmoes left behind. All they do now is sit around smiling at each other. If there was a campfire they'd be roasting weenies and singing Kum By Ya.
- For got sakes, spend some time EDITING. The real success of Survivor! wasn't the people, it was the quality of each show. Each episode had the same production quality of any TV drama. I'm sure the castaways spent a lot of time scratching their asses, but we never had to WATCH them. Lose a couple shows a week and let your overworked editors splice the good bits together.
- You should've kept the location secret. Megaphone Lady and Airplane Banner Guy are screwing up your little world. And if, as some suspect, you are behind them in the first place, boy was THAT a dumb move. Even if you couldn't have hid the location, you should have done something to block the skies. I don't know, put a roof over the garden and pump the light in with mirrors or something. I don't know. You are the TV experts, you should have thought of something.
- Cut off the living space. At first, things were cool, because they kept tripping over each other. Now as each person leaves, they have more room to sleep and find someplace private to cry. Chop off a bedroom. Shrink down the yard. Make them trip over each other again. There's no yelling if they can get away from each other.
- Starve them. The only punishment for failing a challenge is a cut to their food budget. Hey, man, they still ain't starving in there. Make them want that prize.
- Make them eat their own dead. By letting the viewing public decide who gets kicked out, these guys get to mentally dodge the guilt bullet. Blame and anguish are fun to watch. Again, look at Survivor! Each nomination was carefully calculated, and it made the final tally that much more urgent. Plus you would have avoided this business with George's wife.
- Lose Julie Chan. In fact, lose Dr. Drew and that blonde AOL chippie. I hate them all.
- Lose the studio segments. They totally detract from the show. They look fake and rigged and dumb. As a matter of fact...
- Lose anything not directly piped out of the house. I don't want to see Karen's new house. I don't want to see William trying to justify his existence. Your contestants are in a claustrophobic enclosed environment and we can't feel for them unless we can identify with them. Cut off our news. Leave the interviews to Mr. Gumbo the next morning. Show us only the torment these fools are living through. Make us feel a tiny bit of what it is like in there and we will start caring for your contestants.
Because if we don't care, we ain't gonna keep watching.
You tell them!
Mom Rating: 2 out of 5. Despite my constant talking about it, I still don't think Mom actually watches the show.
Big Brother note: What? You want more? Okay, if they DON'T all walk out tonight, I think Cassandra is the one to go.
And did you know that if you go to http://www.bigbrother200.com/ you get jumped to the LickaLicka Lesbo Paradise. Very nice.
Talk
about stuff.
What
do you think about Thursdays?
Take me home, big fella
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