What was estimated as a four-hour job for two guys that would use half a five-ton truck took eight hours, filled a third of a semi, and needed six guys at the end to finish up.

I have a lot of stuff. And that was after I culled huge amounts of junk.

I...I honestly can't really describe how it felt. I'm glad I had friends and family around for all of it, because just having someone there to touch base with while it was happening kept me from being overwhelmed.

There were no big hitches, the movers found my directions of "white tags go in the pink room and pink tags go in the white room" to be moderately unconfusing, and I haven't run across anything that broke in the move, including my great-grandmother's antique tea trolley which the movers took extra special care of.

Before everyone took off for the day, my kitchen was manageable, I had couch and TV set up and the bed was constructed. I could even poach Internet from one of the two unsecured wireless connections in the complex.

The first thing I noticed was how quiet it is.

Okay, I've never lived alone. My parents, then Ronja and Joel, then Lisa, then back with the parents...I've never had a place all to myself. The only noise was generated by me. (Pippin was a bit too shell-shocked to add any commentary. He's better now thanks.)

Weird.

In the past week I've slowly cleared the living room and kitchen. The computer room will be Saturday and I may not tackle the library until next week even. But it's coming along.

Set up a new shelf from IKEA for my DVDs, and I have another for books upstairs. New computer desk too. Makes me feel handy to put these together with my own two hands. And, you know, an Allen wrench.

I walked into Futureshop on Tuesday. Here's pretty much the conversation.

"Hello! Can I help you?"
"Yes, you can. I'm getting a divorce."
"Let me show you our big screen TVs then."

I now have a 40" HD LCD with matching 1000 watt sound system. I've already turned down the bass on the subwoofer so as to not annoy the neighbors overly. The Xbox Elite is still sitting in the package to be opened and installed once I finish getting my wireless modem configured. I'm deciding whether to shell out for the Dyson Stowaway or get some cheapy vacuum instead. There's not a Wii to be had in the entire city, unfortunately.

Toys make me feel better.

I like it there. I like that it's my own space, that's for sure. Don't know what I'm going to do with it necessarily, but I like it.

That's it, I guess. Nothing profound. I'm still kind of befuddled by the change, and there are moments where everything seems like it's in the wrong place, really. Like it doesn't belong there.

Or me. At some point this will stop feeling like I'm house sitting, and start to feel like home.

I have an appointment in a little over two hours to go sign paperwork for the purchase of my new condo.

I haven't talked much about what's going on, partly because everything was so up in the air, and partly because it's all still somewhat raw. But it's racing forwards now, with all the sudden fright of a freight train coming out of the night. You hear the whistle for a long time, and then suddenly it's right there in front of you.

I'm moving into the condo of a friend of ours, Janet, who is moving into the house with Lisa. In effect, a house swap. I get my own place which is larger than I could afford on my own, Lisa gets to stay in the house she loves and Janet has a place big enough for her and her two kids. It's a good trade, all the way around.

Makes for some fun complications and scrambles. I have an appointment at noon today to sign purchase documents for an hour, and then Lisa and I have a half-hour appointment at 2 to sign sale documents. Lisa and Janet then have an appointment at 2:30 to sign purchase documents on the house, and then Janet comes back in tomorrow morning to sign for the sale of the condo. This is only manageable because we were able to use the same bank and lawyer for all of it. No conflict in this instance apparently.

I'm kind of bewildered. We didn't go with a realtor, on the mistaken impression that it would be simple, since we're just changing houses, but the legalese of the various contracts has my brain hurting. Plus all sorts of bizarre things keep leaping out of the woodwork unexpectedly.

Like yesterday, when the lawyer told me to bring a certified check or money order for $1800 to my noon meeting, to cover closing costs and any overages. Anything unused will be returned to me, she explained. And I'm all THE HELL? and wondering why this isn't coming out of my settlement money since I sure don't have $1800, and she's all we can't because that's joint money and Lisa hasn't authorized that, and I'm all well what if she DOES, and she's all sure, and I'm all please don't give me any more shocks my heart can't take it.

Between now and when the movers show up at 9 am Saturday, I still have to:
* Divide and pack the towels and linens
* Pack my portion of the books, DVDs and kitchen stuff (which is all divided and waiting to be boxed)
* Clean Pippin's cage (and the wall and floor around where he's been at the folks' place)
* Steam clean the couch
* And, um, lots of other stuff too I think.

If there's time (and the money from the settlement gets deposited like it should on Friday) I want to pick up some new shelves and a new computer desk so I have somewhere to unpack to, but that might have to wait until Sunday (or whenever the money from the settlement does clear).

Yeah, I'm totally losing my mind. People ask how I'm doing and I give them a look like when Jim Carrey was totally losing his mind in Liar Liar.

Work has been awesome. When I ask my boss for time to handle all the stuff she just looks at me and asks if there's anything she can do to help. My coworkers all have been great, shouldering some of the work I've had to hand off while I'm INSANE. Tons of friends have offered to unload boxes and sort books and that's wonderful.

Anyone who still wants to pop over to the new place Saturday and have a look and tell me that picture isn't straight, call my cell phone and I'll let you know where it is. 651-SHIT for anyone who doesn't have the number.

No really. Lisa picked it for me. Funny story.

Bring beer.

I've very excited and very scared and very, very overwhelmed.

Here we go.

Everyone is messed up. Everyone.

One of the silver linings in my recent life change has been the opportunity to reconnect with old friends and develop new ones. I've spent time with people I haven't seen in years, and the number of people in my 'friend pool' in increasing instead of decreasing.

I love it. It's great. I wish I had had the presence of mind to do this years ago. I'm going for coffee, chatting online, doing lots of laughing in lots of different places with lots of different people. I have as many nights out as I could wish and I even have to turn away offers (I'm so popular).

And as a side effect of all this, I'm really talking to people. And what do I find? Everyone's got issues.

Without naming names, here's just a top-of-my-head list: depression, emotional detachment, fear of commitment, alcoholism, impulse control, abandonment issues, rage issues, authority issues, sexual issues, bitterness, self loathing, denial, inability to focus, paranoia, forgetfulness, bipolar disorder, eating disorder, gender disorder. And that's without even really digging for more.

I'm not saying these people are insane. These are real people with real problems and most of them are working hard at fixing them or learning to live with them. The degrees are different of course; some problems are tougher or more serious, and some people's lives are certainly more affected by their problems than others. But it's everyone. Everything has something wrong.

I find that oddly liberating.

Okay, I know I have problems. Self-motivation is one. An inability to deal with rapid changes. I have a big tendacy to let problems slide in the hope they take care of themselves. I have some self-esteem issues that are far better than they once were, and a rather large weakness for salty carbohydrates and baked goods. But I'm working on them. Most things I will never truly cure -- occasionally if I tear a nail and try to trim the sharp edge with my teeth, my chronic onychophagia flares up and I bite the whole nail down until it bleeds. My right index finger is like that right now, and the urge to chew away at it will not subside until I can resist long enough for it to regrow to normal length. Then I should be okay for a while.

The fact that everyone has issues, though, is comforting. I had a big shock when the couple that I swore had the perfect marriage turned out to be working on getting divorced. And again when I found that this practical and levelheaded woman is that way because she has trust issues and has difficulty allowing anyone to help her, thus needing to be solid by herself.

There is a standard of perfection that everyone strives for and despairs of ever reaching. The whole world wishes that they were smarter, more focused, more able to make friends and connect to people, to stop being afraid. Everyone wants to be healthier and happier and hopes that if they just...fix...this...one...thing, that everything will be okay.

But it is okay.

I'm not saying that anyone should stop trying to fix things. It is important to look at what your issues are and find out what can be done about them. Some things can be fixed and those that can't must be somehow accommodated or accounted for. But you will never reach the point where everything is fixed and you can throw yours hands up and say, "All better!"

I used to hate doing laundry. Every week I felt like, "Damn! I just WASHED all these!" In my mind, doing laundry was a solution. A goal, an achievement. The clothes were dirty I so cleaned them. I have done the laundry. And then next week, it's all dirty again and my accomplishment was gone. It wasn't so much that the task was onerous, just the fact that I had done this already.

It's like that DIlbert cartoon where Dilbert has a little cloud following him that zaps people around him with lightning bolts. He dates a woman with no pattern recognition and after it's zapped her a couple of times and is preparing to do it again she says, "Boy! I'm glad THAT will never happen again!"

It became much easier for me as soon as I wrapped my head around the idea that laundry is not a destination. It's a journey. I will never, ever, be done doing laundry. It's an ongoing process that has to be part of my life.

Striving for perfection is good. Despairing of ever reaching it is bad. And the fact that everyone in the whole world is also striving and despairing kinda makes it easier to deal with. This isn't Schadenfreude, I'm not happier because others are suffering. It's just good to know that no one is perfect, and I don't have to feel so bad about being screwed up myself.

I almost didn’t stop driving.

The urge was so strong. To take a right and hit the highway. I had a full tank of gas and my MP3 player. I didn’t even want to veer by my parents’ house and grab my suitcase or anything.

Just go. Drive down into Montana, cross the mountains on the I90 to Seattle and check out the Science Fiction Hall of Fame. Maybe stay on the I15 all the way to Las Vegas. Should be able to make it in 30 hours of non-stop driving.

I could see it in my mind. I could feel the road already, the vibration in my fingers.

If it hadn’t been winter. If the roads hadn’t be too slippery for my car.

I turned left.

“You’re still the one I want to call. You still feel like my best friend.”
“But that’s not enough, is it.”

It would be easier if we had really hurt each other. If there had been an affair, or abuse, or even a fight that got so out of hand that the bad words kept coming, even after the damage had been done.

But it wasn’t like that. It was eleven years of problems that we were too immature to understand when they started and then too wrapped up in our habits to change later. Years of miscommunication, of living our lives based on what we thought the other wanted, without ever considering our own needs or even looking for the truth of things. Years of living so deep inside each other that we were losing contact with the outside world, that each connection was slowly being severed, until we were all alone with each other.

And thinking that was what we wanted.

“I’m so sorry. I never wanted this to happen.”

I’ve had three months to get used to the idea. Three months of counselor appointments, conversations with friends, long nights in my parent’s spare bedroom trying to understand what she wanted, what I wanted, where things went wrong and how to fix them. If they could even be fixed.

Three months of checking my phone every few minutes in case I somehow missed a call. Of checking my email a dozen times a day. Of reading her LiveJournal, hoping there would be a message to me hidden in the meanings. Of turning our few conversations over and over in my mind, mining them for a nugget of hope. Something that would let me continue denying to myself that it was over.

But I knew it was.

I don’t know if I completely agree, if I truly feel that our problems – and they are some real doozies – are just too much to fix. I don’t know how much of what I’m feeling is acceptance, how much of it is anger and hurt, how much of it is the desire simply to let things go and be over.

She’s sure, and I accept that. Fixing our problems would require us demolishing everything and starting again from the very foundations of our relationship. I don’t know if what we feel for each other could survive that. I don’t even know if it would work, the old habits being so very easy to fall into. Even the cadence of our conversation slips into the comfortable ruts.

“I don’t want to go. Leaving makes it all real.”

I am awake now.

I see my part in this. I’ve been describing myself to people as a reservoir. If a hole gets knocked in the dam, the water pours out and settles at the new level. But instead of fixing the hole, I left it alone, thinking to myself there was still plenty of water left.

I’m reconnecting. Spending time with people I haven’t seen in years. Swimming. Trying out old habits to see if I feel the excitement they once brought me.

I'm kind of excited about the idea of living by myself for a while. I’ve never done that. I moved from my parents’ house in with Ronja and Joel, and then in with Lisa. I’ve never made my own decisions in my own space.

I think I need that. I’ve never been good by myself, always too prone to falling into a funk and feeling sorry for myself. I need to work through that, learn how to live with myself and completely understand my wants and needs before I can even think of living with anyone else.

“I don’t want you to go. That will make it real for me.”

So now we’re talking about the equity in the house, how to divide things up fairly, who will get the cats, all the crap that comes along with this huge and deeply sad change in our lives. It’s both funny and awful that dealing with separating our lives makes it easier to not deal with the separation of our lives. As long as we keep talking about who gets which DVD, we don't have to think about why.

I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to get divorced from Lisa; I didn’t want to ever get divorced period. I didn’t want to have to look at my life at 35 and start all over again. Building a home, building a family, building a life.

I know she doesn’t either.

At some point in the future, probably when I’m lying in bed in whatever condo or apartment I end up in, lying in the bed that we bought together that ended up being a place of rest for neither of us…. At some point in the future, I’m going to be able to look at all this with real clarity, and see what we once had and understand how it changed into something neither one of us wanted. I’ll be able to understand how the good and the bad all combined into something entirely grey, where we were living together but not truly living.

There was a lot of good. A whole lot of laughs and hugs and smiles. I don’t regret any of that. I think I’ll be able to eventually look back at it all without taint. Because despite everything that went wrong, where I slipped into my funk of ‘waiting until things got better’, where Lisa started to despair of anything ever getting better at all, despite all that, it was still the best years of my life.

I’ve had my kick in the ass. From now on it’s all up to me.

Now I have them pretty much every night. Vivid, full color dreams with sounds and special effects. I even experience the sense of touch sometimes.

Last week I had a snake dream. I looked out the front window of where I was living and there was a giant snake slithering down the center of the road. He was about half the height of a man and stretched further than I could see. Luckily, he was intent on moving forwards and didn't swerve aside.

I woke up and found myself driving my car with a couple dream-friends in the car with me. We were turning a corner into downtown and when I looked up through the windshield I saw a MONSTER snake. It was coiled around the top of the skyscrapers and looking around itself. As we carefully backed back around the corner, I thought to myself, "Wow. This is just like my dream."

The other night I dreamt I was again driving my car down a road. Suddenly a jet plane taxied onto the road. It was pulling a trailer of luggage containers. I avoided the containers and found myself under the plane. I knew that the pilot knew I was there and he was turning carefully around me, narrowly missing me with the wheels and these poles and fins that were poking off the wings. But I started to panic, so tried to drive out from under it myself. But the road was a sheet of ice and it turned into the slow ballet of car and airplane, each trying to untangle themselves from the other.

I made it out successfully.

Last night I was in a cabin in the woods with a bunch of serious medieval reenactment folks. We were all in fancy armor and were planning the deployment of our siege engines when someone called out that people were coming. I looked out the window and saw a herd of children on a field trip coming through a field of grass, all wearing homemade armour and wooden swords.

We all went, "Awwww!" and decided to let them play with us. I was playing peek-a-boo through a window with one of them when someone called out, "Help us!"

I turned around and saw a bunch of boats coming across the lake. Someone was helping a wounded man towards us. His gut had been slashed open and his small intestines were falling out. We had a trained medic with us, so we ran to help.

The medic was going to take him inside the building, but he thought the guy didn't have a chance, because the intestines themselves had been perforated. He didn't have much hope.

But I picked the intestines up and ran them through my hands. As my fingers touched the perforations, they miraculously healed, giving the man a chance for survival.

It's so funny where dreams come from. The snakes came from watching Snakes On A Plane yet again, and the icy road scenario came from driving on treacherous conditions earlier that day with my Dodge Magnum (lovely car, but awful on ice). The running the intestines through my hands doubtlessly came from last week's episode of House where House did the same thing (minus the healing), and the fact that I heard that one of my favourite pop singers from my childhood, Chris de Burgh, is now apparently a faith healer.

The rest of it are the embellishments of my mind.

Date: Fri, 8 Dec 2006 12:45:39 -0600
From: Bob_Frank@Dell.com
Subject: RE: Online Blog

Hi Phil,

Thank you very much for the reply e-mail. I am going to continue with my investigation. I am currently looking to provide you a final response by no later than the end of business on Tuesday, December 12th, 2006.

Was there any additional information which you would like to bring forward which is not listed on your blog? As well, was there any specific resolution which you would like considered?

Sincerely,
Bob Frank
(address, phone etc.)

Ah ha! The cleverly worded, 'how much to make this better?' I replied with:

Not much else to report. I was finally able to find someone at Phillips who (like you) was willing to look at the customer experience and he sent me one replacement set of headphones. He said he would send two, but I never received another and he never returned my calls after that...

I'm not certain what I would like in terms of resolution. I am disillisioned with Dell as a company (and used to consider myself a satisfied Dell customer willing to be vocal in my support) and I am not certain what else would help at this point.

I would like the other headphones replaced at the very least. There's not much you can do to repay the frustration and time lost I know (and corporations should always be wary of handing out credits, refunds or free products, lest everyone suddenly demand them), but I am not certain what else would compensate me for the disappointment.

I would be happy to hear what you folks at Dell would be able to offer me. If I do become a happy customer, I will certainly shout it out as much as I shouted out my disappointment.

Fast-forward to today, where I received the following:

Hi Phil,

After additional research and review, Dell is going to provide you: Option #1) 2 sets of headphones; Option #2) Dell can provide you 1 set of headphones and a similarily valued item of your choice. If you chose to going with Option #2 please ensure the item is available through www.dell.ca

I look forward to your response and was there anything else I can do to be of assistance?

Sincerely,
Bob Frank
(etc.)

Hey, I like that. Even though I told him I had received one pair of replacement headphones, he felt they should replace the entire service order. And he acknowledged that I might not have need for three sets of headphones, and offered me the equivalent in other products.

This is great. Not only do I get what I felt I should have had in the first place, I am encouraged to visit their website and see what else they have to offer. Good thinking, and good customer service to boot.

I indicated I would indeed like a set of headphones, and mentioned I would be interested in the Logitech VX Revolution Cordless Laser Mouse, currently on sale at Dell for a scant $20 more than the headphones would be.

And Bob said:

Hi Phil,

Dell is going to provide to you a one time gesture of goodwill in the form of one replacement headset of Dell sku A0718470 and one wireless mouse with Dell sku A0718470 Logitech VX Revolution Cordless Laser Notebook Mouse.

The replacement headphones are ordered under Dell order number (deleted). I have requested the mouse to be sent but as of writing this e-mail do not have a current order number for you. I will advise you once I have it available. The headphones are on back order; however, Dell's supplier of this product has advised that they should ship within 2 weeks. The mouse is currently in stock and should ship in the next 5 business days.

At this time, was there any further I could to be of assistance?

Dell does apologize for any inconvenience you may have experienced.

Sincerely,
Bob Frank
(etc.)

To which I said:

That's great! Thank you so much, and I will be sure to post how helpful you've been through this.

Thanks again.

I did neglect to mention that the two Dell skus he referenced were the same, but I'm sure he'll figure that out.

As a sidenote, I've been trying to get repairs done to my Compaq laptop. It hasn't been anywhere as amusing (yet) but has followed the sequence below:

1. Sunday, discover my laptop makes four beeps when I try to boot up and nothing else happens.


2. Use their online chat support and text with a woman who says it is the onboard battery and gives me the main tech support number who will arrange a repair.


3. Wait through the main tech support queue only to be told that the chat tech knows nothing and it must be the onboard memory. Walks me through resetting the memory to no avail. Tells me Purolator will be by Monday between 2 and 5 to pick it up.


4. Monday. No FedEx. Big surprise. Call tech support back, wait through the queue and am told that the first phone tech must have been crazy to give me a time. She calls Purolator and they are closed. I tell her what times someone will be available Tuesday and she promises to phone Purolator first thing in the morning, arrange it, and call me on my cell phone.


5. Tuesday. She doesn't call. Big surprise. Call tech support, wait through the queue and am told that the first two phone techs were crazy. Purolator will come when they feel like it, but definitely today.

To nudge them in my direction, I sent the following:

To: Customer Advocate [Customer_Advocate@dell.com]
Sent: Tuesday, November 10, 2006 3:51 PM
Subject: Happy about Advocates
------------------------
I've very pleased to hear that Dell is taking a pro-active stand to fixing customer needs. Good for you guys! I would be happy to change my stance on Dell as a company once I see how it turns out.

My experiences with Dell haven't been great over the last few years...

http://whatisaw.wiredweirdness.com/archives/2006/03/and_then_i_kill.html
http://whatisaw.wiredweirdness.com/archives/2006/06/back_and_forth.html

Couple weeks later I got this (names changed so she doesn't get spammed):

Date: Mon, 27 Nov 2006
From: mandy@Dell.com
Subject: RE: Happy about Advocates

Dear Mr. Bacon,

Hope you had a good Thanksgiving!

Well, as you can see we are still trying to perfect this new system of reaching out to our customers. Since we need to contact our customers versus our customers contacting us, we often have limited information. We also cannot access every blog site in the blogoshere, due to Dell I/T Security guidelines. We're working through these issues, but in the meantime can you tell me if someone contacted you via blogpost? Or did you see a post from a Dell Customer Advocate?

Do you mind providing a customer or order number? If you have an outstanding issue, I am happy to help.

Thank you,

Mandy
Dell Customer Advocate.
(her direct line, toll-free number and extension)

Excellent! I responded saying I had heard about it on the web and posted in the text from the entries that she couldn't read.

Today, I got this (again, names changed):

Dear Phil,

I have been requested to contact you by one of Dell's Online Advocate in regards to: two sets of headphones which appear to have gone missing and a possible hard drive issue. My office works with any Canadian consumer who contacts Dell through online submission, Privacy Office, Legal Office, Media Office, Better Business Bureau, and I work with any Canadian consumer who has been in contact with any Executive or Officer of Dell Computer Corporation.

I have reviewed the information which has been forwarded to myself which includes excerpts from your blog.

At this time, I would invite you to send me your service tag information or customer number so that I can provide the best possible experience.

I look forward to your response and hope that all future correspondence remains both positive and insightful.

Sincerely,

Bob Frank
Executive Support Office
Privacy Compliancy Office
DELL CANADA
(His direct line, toll-free number, extension and fax)

I have sent my service tag numbers to him and we'll see what happens. But so far, kudos to Dell!

I'm pretty messed up.

I was left alone in the doctor's office for about five minutes, so I had time to poke at the results of my sleep test, which were displayed on his screen. My interpretation frightened me a bit, and I wasn't far off.

Yes, the doctor said. I have sleep apnea. Severe sleep apnea. Sleep apnea like he's never seen before.

Doctors diagnose sleep apnea if you have at least ten episodes of apnea an hour (moments where you stop breathing temporarily). They call this the apnea-hypopnea index (AHI). An AHI of less than 5 is considered normal. An AHI of 5-15 is mild; 15-30 is moderate and more than 30 events per hour characterizes severe sleep apnea.

I stop breathing 80 times an hour.

Thankfully, my oxygen levels don't drop to threatening levels. My lowest level of oxygen saturation for the entire night was 69%, and I averaged 90.4% overall.

Still. That means that 80 times an hour I would stop breathing, my oxygen sat would begin to drop, and then I would start breathing again and bring it back up. Scary.

And the snoring. They calculate your snoring index (SI) based on basically how many times an hour do you snore. I can't seem to find any info on average rates or anything, but the highest I can find on the net is something around 300 or so.

My index is 796.7. I snore an average of 13 times a minute. That's every four seconds all night long.

The chart is more telling. The results have this little bar chart. Every time you snore all night, the chart makes a little vertical line. The higher the line, the louder the snoring. The more lines, the more frequent the snoring it.

An average chart looks something like this:

MY chart looks something like this:

So not only do I snore all the time, my average snoring volume is off the chart.

He's sending me for a test to check my actual lung functioning, to make sure I'm actually capable of taking in enough air. And he's sending me to get a CPAP machine. It's a device that continually pumps air through my nose while I sleep, keeping the pipes open. It stops the snoring, keeps the oxygen up and gives a better sleep. I will fall asleep easier, stay asleep better, and sleep much deeper (giving me a more restful sleep.

On the minus side, this means I may have to sleep with a mask strapped to my head every night for the rest of my life.

Sexy.

My turn at the sleep centre finally came around. How'd it go? Well, when the one doctor leaves the room because he needs to consult with another doctor and then both of them come back in and the new doctor claps his hands and says, "Well, you're very interesting!"...that doesn't bode all that well.

First off, there is high clinical suspicion that I suffer from 'obstructive sleep apnea', which is where the throat closes up as you relax into sleep. We don't think it's at dangerous levels yet, but they think it's there.

Secondly, they suspect I've developed nighttime 'hyperarousal'. Which is not as fun as it sounds - keep your Viagra jokes to yourself. It's heightened nervousness like the adrenal "fight or flight" reaction characterized by jumpiness and extreme reactions. Basically I lie awake at night dreading and fearing any noise, specifically the sound of Lisa snoring.

Finally, I have other, life-long conditions. It appears I may have had 'delayed sleep phase syndrome' when I was younger, which is basically that my body clock was out of sync with normal people: where everyone else would sleep best between 10 and 6 (or so), my body clock was shifted so that the best sleep times were hours later. Then there's mild touches of insomnia in general and a bit of restless legs syndrome.

What this amounts to is that I'm pretty messed up, sleep wise. Before a year and a half ago, I had managed an equilibrium. The apnea hadn't developed very much yet, and I had grown out of most of the delayed sleep phase syndrome. Plus the comfort and joy of being with Lisa had calmed the insomnia. I was sleeping great every night.

My doctors suspect that the change in both of our nighttime behaviours is related to the large weight-loss we both went through a couple years back. Remember when I won that contest over two years ago with that local TV station and they put me through that intensive weight loss program? Well, I lost fifty pounds and Lisa lost a similar amount. Then we went off the program and were so burned out by the overload that we gained everything right back. I told that to the doctors and they went all, "OH yeah?" with the nodding heads and knowing looks and stuff. So that could be the source of her new snoring patterns and my apnea.

Lisa's snoring is not at abnormal levels generally. Once in a while, things will crank up to serious levels (probably due to her asthma, the level of dust and/or animal-related allergens in our house, etc.), but in general it's nothing a normal person can't sleep through.

Ah, but I'm not normal. The new and unusual noise trigged my insomnia, with the likely help of my own new apnea making me sleep lightly and very probably waking me up by itself on occasion. There are times I likely wouldn't have noticed her snoring at all if I hadn't woken myself up with the sleep apnea. The frustration caused by all this caused the hyperarousal, which has since become habitual, affecting me even on nights of total quiet.

Fun, hey? People, in a physiological and psychological sense, are deeply fucked up creatures.

The doctor's plan is to attack my apnea first. No good working on behavioral triggers and patterns if my physical condition is waking me up every night. The first step is to hook me to the Snoresat machine and see what the actual level of apnea is.

Ever been hooked to one of these? It's awesome. They have a half-dozen inputs, so the doctors can pick and choose from a variety of sensors to attach to your sleeping body. You can take it home, which is good, because the additional strain of trying to sleep wired up in a strange place sure wouldn't help.

My particular sensors included an air tube that poked into each nostril, hooked over my ears and synched under my neck (to measure airflow) a stretchy fabric belly belt with a sensor in the stretchy part (to measure respiratory effort), a light sensor that beams through the tip of an index finger (to measure oxygen content in the blood) and a microphone that tapes to the throat (to measure snore volume and frequency).

Each of these connects to the main box, which has a display that glows brightly green. To keep it close by (to avoid tangles) I stuck it on Lisa's side of the bed (she was in the spare bed for the night) and covered it with the blanket to dull the radiance.

Which, of course, led to a midnight struggle when I went to unplug the machine so I could go to the washroom and found Samantha sleeping on top of it.

I did manage to get a half-decent night's sleep, despite the cables and tape and everything. I credit this to a single dose of Imovane, which seems to be working for me again after being off it for a month. It relaxed me just enough to accept the hoses and move on.

Now I have to wait until the end of November to review the results with the sleep doctors and see what the next step is.

(As a side note, we have some small hope that there's a silver lining behind the loss of Idaho this past weekend. I spent a good couple of hours cleaning out the computer room of all traces of wood shavings, hay and animal hair, plus packing away his cage and stuff into the storage area in the basement. Since then, Lisa has had three full nights of lessened asthma and no snoring whatsoever. I slept like a baby all three nights.

I have my fingers crossed. She was really allergic to Idaho and his various accoutrements, so maybe his absence was just enough to bring her below the snore threshold. I'm not sure of this yet - she's had patches of quiet before, stretching up to a couple weeks - but I am ever hopeful.)

There is nothing in the world better than a good night's sleep, cuddled up in bed with my wife. Nothing whatsoever. And if spending a night taped to sensors with tubes up my nose will help me get back to that, it's entirely worth it.

My Texas Hold 'Em experience is extensive. I mean, I must have played the game, like, twice, and managed to win the whole thing both times. So obviously, I was ready for the big time.

This was also our first time in a real casino. Okay, yes, Lisa and I go to the Stampede Casino every year during Stampede week, but that doesn't count. If we can still see the concrete walls of the warehouse we're playing in, it's not a real casino. It needs bright lights, lounge singers, and dealers that are not likely to get everyone involved in an impromptu game of 52-Card Pickup.

So, ten tables of eleven or twelve players each, all full of my co-workers and their guests/ringers. $2500 in chips each, blinds increasing every 15 minutes. So while we may start at seven with small and big blinds of $25 and $50, by 10 o'clock, the blinds would have to pay three and six thousand a hand.

I'm in seat 7 on table 7. Lucky lucky. The girl to my right has played twice herself, but online, so my experience vastly exceeds hers. In the far right curve is an Asian fellow who can shuffle his chip stack with one hand. Obviously trying to unnerve the rest of us with his mad chip fondling skillz. Two guys with sunglasses, one with a hoodie, like he's Phil Laak or something.

I'm a tight player. Keep things to my chest, while chatting up everyone around me, poking fun at sunglasses guy and the Laak-alike. The Fondler is pulling ahead, chips sliding down to his stack every couple of hands.

Everyone is playing aggressively, with bets of one and two thousand dropping early. Just after the blinds increased the first time, applause erupted as the first player in the tournament went all-in and busted out.

Decided to finally dip my toes in with a little QJo (here's details on poker notation if you are unfamiliar with it). Not a great hand, but need to get some feelers out. Lucked out with three more suited cards on the flop (K,8,3). The Fondler chucks out $250 and the table clears. I'm one shy of a flush so I stay in, calling, but not pushing him. The turn is a low offsuit, and the Fondler is in with $500. I match him and catch the seven of spades on the river. He pauses and clicks his chips - I peg him at having a king pair. "FUCK!" he says and folds.

"Did you have the spade?" he calls over as I pick up the chips. I shrug. "Can't tell you," I say. No need in revealing if I was a bluffer or not. He goes out two hands later.

Our table gets broken up after about 45 minutes, and we're sent to fill vacant chairs in other tables. I'm on table 11 now, and one of the big stacks in play. I stay even for a while, then catch a big break.

I've got QTo in my hand - not great, but I'm the big blind so I might as well take a look at the flop. Which turns out to be a K, J and 9. I'm holding a straight. Sweet.

Only one other guy at the table is in and he starts to play eager. I decide this is my big chance, so I milk him for everything he's got. And I do. He sticks it out with me raise and re-raise until the river and goes all-in after I re-raise his bet to $2500. We show and he's got two pair - Kings and Jacks. Nice, but not nice enough. See ya!

Over the course of the night, I get to send four other people home. Mostly by trumping their final, desperate all-in with a decent hand. I do get munched on when I call a fellow who goes all-in and turns out to have a pair of sixes against my AKs when I get nothing to support it. I do manage to beat a guy's pocket aces with three sevens though.

The table got split one more time and I end up with the Big Dogs. Guy beside me looks like a young Jon Favreau and has a stack three times the size of mine when I sit down.

I can't catch a break at the new table. I get THE HAMMER twice and my best hand is a Q9s. Finally, with blinds about to go up to $1500-3000, I take my last $4,500 and go all-in on a KJs, hoping to catch a little action. The Little Favreau matches my action and flips his AKo. We both catch a King on the flop but when the turn pulls another ace I'm all done.

No one was keeping track of positions. We were at three tables left with a couple holes at each one, so I figure I placed 27th or 28th out of the field of 112. I beat everyone on my floor, which is cool, and I beat Lisa, which is always fun.

Now I want to play more. Anyone have a deck of cards?

I feel bad.

Really bad. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm drained, exhausted, stressed.

I am heavier than I have ever been. I've gained back every pound I lost last year and they brought friends. I sweat all the time. Anything above 17 degrees makes me uncomfortable and simply moving around to do things causes me to overheat. Last night we changed the sheets on the bed and I was drenched. The sweating seems to be getting worse every day and it's kind of scaring me. The doctor is running tests to make sure it's not being caused by other things (thyroid problems for example) but likely it's just because I'm fat and out of shape.

We can't afford a gym membership right now. I'm too depressed to self-motivate myself to use the exercise bike at home, and I feel way too self-conscious to take out my actual bike. The Y near where we live has a pool and they have lane swims every morning that are not too heavily used, which is a huge temptation. I love, love, love to swim and that really could be my key to getting into shape -- a morning swim every day before going to work. But again, the cost. Someone wanting to buy me an early birthday present could do much worse than paying the startup fees and a month or two of membership.

My back hurts. My feet hurt. I have neck problems that cause headaches all the time. All made worse because of being out of shape and overweight.

And for the first time in my life, I feel ugly. Like I can't stand to look at myself any more. That's never happened, through all the bad hair and unfortunate fashion choices. I sat on the bed yesterday as I was getting dressed and caught myself in the mirror and I was horrified. I don't recognize myself any more.

I'm not sleeping well. We're still having sleep issues, the both of us, and all other things being equal we're dealing with it okay. My sleep meds work great, but I can only take them three days a week, and they just don't work on nights when Lisa may be snoring extra loud. So those nights I go downstairs and sleep in the spare room. The last week has been particularly bad, through some bad conjunction of planets or something. It's been super hot, which makes it hard for me to sleep. Lisa's been going through a bad patch of snoring, plus I haven't been sleeping well on the spare bed. Normally, this would give me enough sleep to squeak through, but as I said before, it's a case of 'all things being equal'.

'Too Much Information' time. I have IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. That means that anything wrong in the rest of my life is reflected in my bowels. I've been having massive cramps and diarrhea for nearly a week, bad enough that the cramps make me want to vomit as well. It's interfering with work and it wakes my up in the middle of the night.

Our car is dying. I was stuck in bad traffic for over an hour a couple weeks ago at 30+ temperatures and the car died. Worked once she cooled off, but she's been running kind of rough and sluggish every since. Can't afford to fix her, can't afford a new car, can't really afford to borrow money for either.

The house needs work. My deck needs to be refinished before winter as whatever coating the previous owner used is flaking off in big patches. The boards are warping too. Our beautiful rose bushes out front are being savaged by caterpillars, spider mites and 'powder mildew'. Ants are taking over the lawns. I need to clean out the basement and the garage as I've been piling crap in both since last year. And with how I've been feeling, I don't feel up to tackling any of it. I'm overwhelmed.

Another coordinator left at work so I'm doing two people's jobs again and this time I don't know everything about what I've taken on and the guy really didn't leave things in great shape. People keep coming up to me and saying, "Did you know about this" and I have to say no.

It goes without saying that we're broke. Bills are getting paid, but stuff keeps cropping up that prevents us from getting ahead, like how last month one of our turtles stopped eating and we got scared and coughed up over a hundred dollars at the vet. She's better now -- eating everything we put down in front of her -- but that was money we could sorely use elsewhere.

The one bright spot in all this has been Lisa. She's a real champ. She has her stress too (a lot of the same as mine, I'm sure) but she's going out of her way to be understanding and helpful. We're fighting more than we like, but we both know the real reasons behind it and she's been making the extra effort to make things as easy as possible from her side of things. I don't know what sort of state I'd be in without her. (Thanks babe.)

I know a lot of the solutions to these problems, which is one reason I've turned off the comments. I need to exercise, eat better, spend money more responsibly, be more dedicated my responsibilities, focus, blah blah fucking blah. But everything is combining to make me depressed. Real depression. I often can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, only more darkness. And every little thing makes it worse.

So if I miss things, if I forget things, it's not because I don't care or it's not important. It's because my vision is so narrow, because I'm so wrapped up in my worries and stress that everything else is falling away. I feel bad about the things I don't do (or do wrong), I really do, but there's only so much I can handle.

I feel like I need something to happen. Something bright and wonderful. Something has to change in my life, break this depression spiral I'm in. And I feel like I can't make that miracle happen.

...

"Hello and thank you for calling Dell Technical Support. My name is Ranjeet. Can you give me your Service Tag number please?"
"Wait. Tech Support? I was supposed to be connected with Customer Service."
"Oh? Let me connect you."

...

"Hello and thank you for calling Dell Customer Service. My name is Jennifer. Can you give me your order number please?"
"I don't have one. I've been transferred here from Tech Support because they think you can help me. Back in November I contacted you in regards to replacing two sets of Nike Skylon Flight headphones. I was told at the time that these headphones were a third-party product and that support would be provided through Philips. The guy had to dig around a while to find a phone number. When I called it, a message told me that service centre was no longer in operation. It gave another number, which turned out to be Philips Universal Remote Control support. I explained the situation and he dug up some note saying that I should mail my headphones and a copy of my Dell invoice to an address in New Jersey and that I would get a response within 11 weeks. I asked if there was anyway to contact that office directly for updates and I was told no. So I mailed them off and I haven't heard anything for six months. Tech Support says they are not covered under my three-year extended warranty, but I was never informed of this either by the person I bought them from, or in any paperwork. I would like my headphones replaced please."
"Let me look this up. Can you give me your Service Tag number please?"
"156S8GH."
"One moment. Please verify your name."
"Phil Bacon."
"And your phone number please."
"403-555-5678."
"And your postal code please."
"T1T 1T1."
"Yes, I see. Your headphones were sent in a separate shipment to you originally, because they are not covered under the rest of the service contract."
"How was I supposed to know that? I'm even looking at the listing of these headphones on your website right now and it mentions nothing about this."
"I'm sorry sir. You should have been told. All third-party warranty work is done through the manufacturer. You will have to contact Philips and get them to replace them."
"Let me talk to a supervisor."
"...Very well. One moment."
(Hold time: 10 minutes)
"Hello sir? This is Christine. How can I help you?"
"I don't want to tell the whole story again. Did Jennifer explain it?"
"Yes sir. Unfortunately these headphones are a third-party product..."
"I was never informed of that. I was sold a three-year extended warranty that would cover my two MP3 players and all accessories that can with them. I followed the service information you people described. Now my headphones are lost somewhere in New Jersey. I don't care about that. I just want my headphones."
"I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do. You will need to contact Philips."
"And I will. Give me the correct phone number and whatever I need to tell them to get this fixed."
"...Yes sir. Let me look that up. Sir, can I say that we're very sorry for this trouble and we very much appreciate your..."
"Never mind all that. It's too late to save me as a customer with just words. If you cannot give me what I want - my headphones - then give me what I need to take this to a different level. After all the trouble I've had from you over the last year, I don't need you to waste my time with platitudes. I've spent over $15,000 with you over the years and can't believe you just can't send me two new sets of $60 headphones."
(Sounding near tears) "Yes sir...here you go."

"Hello and thank you for calling Philips Customer Care line. For assistance with headphones, press 1." Beep.
"Hello and thanks for calling Philips Tech Support. This is Stan. How may I help you?"
"Yes, hi. Back in November I contacted you in regards to replacing two sets of Nike Skylon Flight headphones I purchased through Dell. I contacted Dell originally and was told that these headphones were a third-party product and that support would be provided through Philips. When I dialed the number I was given, a message told me that service centre was no longer in operation. It gave another number, which turned out to be Philips Universal Remote Control support. I explained the situation and he dug up some note saying that I should mail my headphones and a copy of my Dell invoice to an address in New Jersey and that I would get a response within 11 weeks. I asked if there was anyway to contact that office directly for updates and I was told no. So I mailed them off and I haven't heard anything for six months. I would like my headphones replaced please."
"May I have your home phone number please?"
"403-555-5678."
"You are in Canada?"
"Yes."
"You need to call a different number sir. All Canadian support is handled through a company called Electrotech. This is their number."
"But when I called you guys before, you told me to send them to New Jersey."
"I'm sorry sir. Please call the Canadian support line and they can figure things out."

"Hello and thanks for calling Electrotech. This is Jean. How may I help you?"
"Yes, hello. Back in November I contacted Dell in regards to replacing two sets of Nike Skylon Flight headphones. I was told that these headphones were a third-party product and that support would be provided through Philips. I was given a US number and when I dialed it a message told me that service centre was no longer in operation. It gave another number, which turned out to be Philips Universal Remote Control support. I explained the situation and he dug up some note saying that I should mail my headphones and a copy of my Dell invoice to an address in New Jersey and that I would get a response within 11 weeks. I mailed them off and I haven't heard anything for six months. I just spoke with the US support line and they say all inquiries have to go through you guys. I would like my headphones replaced please."
"Oh, I'm sorry sir. But if they told you to send them to New Jersey, you will have to deal through them."

"Hello and thank you for calling Philips Customer Care line. For assistance with headphones, press 1." Beep.
"Hello and thanks for calling Philips Tech Support. This is Kyle. How may I help you?"
"I hope so. Back in November I contacted you in regards to replacing two sets of Nike Skylon Flight headphones I purchased through Dell. I contacted Dell originally and was told that these headphones were a third-party product and that support would be provided through Philips. When I dialed the number I was given, a message told me that service centre was no longer in operation. It gave another number, which turned out to be Philips Universal Remote Control support. I explained the situation and he dug up some note saying that I should mail my headphones and a copy of my Dell invoice to an address in New Jersey and that I would get a response within 11 weeks. I asked if there was anyway to contact that office directly for updates and I was told no. So I mailed them off and I haven't heard anything for six months. I spoke to someone in your office a little while ago and they told me to phone the Canadian support line. They told me I would have to work through you guys since you're the ones who told me to send them to New Jersey. I would like my headphones replaced please."
"May I have your home phone number please?"
"403-555-5678."
"Okay, let me see what I can find."
(Hold time: 20 minutes)
"I found a record of your call. You called first on November 22?"
"Yes! That's right!"
"...It says you called about a problem with your remote control."
"No. I don't have any Philips equipment."
"...It even lists your model number."
"Hey, I'm not responsible for what your guy wrote down. I called about my headphones, you folks told me to send them to New Jersey, and I want to have them replaced."
"Which headphones were these?"
"The Nike Skylon Flight headphones."
"Sir, unfortunately we produce those exclusively for Dell. Even I was permitted to, I couldn't even send you new pairs because they are Dell's product. They are not a third-party product, but what they call an OEM product. All support for OEM products is handled by the retailer. It is Dell's responsibility to replace these and you will have to take it up with them."

"Hello and thank you for calling Dell. How may I direct your call?"
"Hello. I am looking for someone who can help me. Back in November I contacted you in regards to replacing two sets of Nike Skylon Flight headphones. I was told that these headphones were a third-party product and that support would be provided through Philips. When I contacted Philips and I explained the situation I was told to mail my headphones and a copy of my Dell invoice to an address in New Jersey and that I would get a response within 11 weeks. I mailed them off and I haven't heard anything for six months. I just contacted Philips and was told quite firmly that these headphones are not a third-party product and the responsibility is yours to replace them. I would like my headphones replaced please. Is there someone I can talk to get some better help on this?"
"I can put you through to Customer Service and you can ask to speak to a supervisor."
"...Is there anyone else?"
"...I do have an extension for the Executive Voice Mail. Would you like that?"
"Yes. I'll try it if talking to Customer Service doesn't work."
"Let me put you through to Customer Service."

"Hello and thank you for calling Dell Customer Service. My name is Debbie. Can you give me your order number please?"
"I don't have one. I've spoken to you guys a few times about this in the last few days. Can you just look up my info?"
"What is your name, sir?"
"Phil Bacon."
"And your phone number please."
"403-555-5678."
"And your postal code please."
"T1T 1T1."
"Let me look that up. Yes, I see you've phoned a couple times about...headphones?"
"(Sigh) Yes. Back in November I contacted you in regards to replacing two sets of Nike Skylon Flight headphones. I was told that these headphones were a third-party product and that support would be provided through Philips. When I contacted Philips and I explained the situation I was told to mail my headphones and a copy of my Dell invoice to an address in New Jersey and that I would get a response within 11 weeks. I mailed them off and I haven't heard anything for six months. I just contacted Philips and was told quite firmly that these headphones are not a third-party product - they are an OEM product - and the responsibility is yours to replace them. I would like my headphones replaced please."
"Let me look this up. One moment."
(Hold time: 20 minutes)
"Sir, you still there?"
"Yes."
"Sir, I've set up a three-way call with Philips Customer Support. Hopefully we should be able to get to the bottom of this."
"Really? That's great! Thank you! So Philips is on the line now?"
(Different voice) "Yes sir, this is Rachel with Philips. How can we help you?"
"Didn't Debbie explain? Debbie?"
...
"I think she's gone, sir."
"Oh, I don't believe this..."
"Can I help, sir?"
"Probably not. Back in November I contacted you in regards to replacing two sets of Nike Skylon Flight headphones I purchased through Dell. I contacted Dell originally and was told that these headphones were a third-party product and that support would be provided through Philips. When I dialed the number I was given, a message told me that service centre was no longer in operation. It gave another number, which turned out to be Philips Universal Remote Control support. I explained the situation and he dug up some note saying that I should mail my headphones and a copy of my Dell invoice to an address in New Jersey and that I would get a response within 11 weeks. I asked if there was anyway to contact that office directly for updates and I was told no. So I mailed them off and I haven't heard anything for six months. I spoke to someone in your office a little while ago and they told me to phone the Canadian support line. They told me I would have to work through you guys since you're the ones who told me to send them to New Jersey. I called you again and was told quite firmly that these are not a third-party product, but are an OEM product and it was Dell's responsibility to replace. I called Dell and that was when Debbie forwarded me back to you guys. I would like my headphones replaced please."
"Let me look into this sir."
(Hold time: 15 minutes)
"Sir, I believe I have been able to track down the original line you contacted. I have Charles on the line."
"But you're not going away, right? You've explained to him, right?"
"Yes sir."
(Different voice. Very quiet, thick southern accent.) "Yes, sir, this is Charles...what...headphones...Jersey?"
"I'm sorry, Charles. I can barely hear you. Can you speak louder?"
"No, I cannot. I work in a centre beside other people. It would be dis-re-SPECT-ful for me to interfere with them by raising my voice."
"...uh. But I can't HEAR you."
(A tiny bit louder) "Nuthin' I can do about that sir. Sir, you sent those headphones to New Jersey?"
"Yes."
"Then it's out of our hands. Once they sent to Jersey, ain't nuthin' we can do."
"But you guys told me to send them there! Can I talk to a supervisor?"
"No, but I guess I can take your number and someone will call you within a day or so."

"Hello and thank you for calling Dell Customer Service. My name is Carolyn. Can you give me your order number please?"
"Actually I was just speaking to Debbie. Is there any chance I can speak to her, so I don't have to go into it all again?"
"Let me see."
(Hold time: 5 minutes)
"Debbie is busy, sir. But she can call you back in five minutes. Is that okay?"
"Fine."

"Hello, this is Debbie calling from Dell. I'm so sorry we got cut off!"
"Sure. Anyway. Philips was no help. I got some guy saying it was out of his hands and someone would call me in a day or so. I tell you, I don't hold out a lot of hope."
"I'm not sure what else I can do for you then, sir..."
"I'll tell you what you can do. I'm trying very hard not to be angry with you, Debbie, because this isn't your fault. But Dell has been giving me the runaround for a long time. I was sold a three-year warranty that did not apply to everything I was purchased and was not informed of the fact. I was given incorrect service information that has led to my headphones being lost somewhere in New Jersey. Philips informs me that you are directly responsible for replacing these headphones."
"But you've already sent them to New Jersey..."
"Yes, because I did what your people told me to do. It's not my fault if I was given incorrect information. I am seriously disappointed with Dell and cannot understand why someone there cannot just send me two pairs of $60 headphones. I realize you cannot, but I would like you to pass this information on to someone who can."
"I understand, sir. I will give the information to my supervisor who will phone you within 24 hours."

Three days later

"Hello?"
"Hello, this is Corrine from Dell calling. Is this Phil?"
"Yes."
"Debbie passed on your situation and I must say, I apologize for all the confusion and trouble you've gone through."
"That's swell. What can you do to help?"
"I'd be happy to send you replacement headphones, sir, but you will need to return the originals."
...
"The ones you guys told me to send to New Jersey?"
"Yes sir."
"Corrine, do I need to tell you the likelihood of my ever seeing those headphones ever again?"
"I understand, sir, but we have to have them back."
"Why can't you just send me new headphones?"
"Because we need to have the old ones back."
"They are $60 headphones! I've spent over $15,000 with you guys over the last few years. And you are telling me there is nothing you can do for me?"
"I'm sorry sir. You can call my directly once you've spoken with Philips."

One week later

"Hello and thank you for calling Philips Customer Care line. For assistance with headphones, press 1." Beep.
"Hello and thanks for calling Philips Tech Support. This is Tray. How may I help you?"
"Thank you Tray. Back in November I contacted your office in regards to replacing two sets of Nike Skylon Flight headphones I purchased through Dell. I contacted Dell originally and was told that these headphones were a third-party product and that support would be provided through Philips. When I dialed the number I was given, a message told me that service centre was no longer in operation. It gave another number, which turned out to be Philips Universal Remote Control support. I explained the situation and he dug up some note saying that I should mail my headphones and a copy of my Dell invoice to an address in New Jersey and that I would get a response within 11 weeks. I asked if there was anyway to contact that office directly for updates and I was told no. So I mailed them off and I haven't heard anything for six months. I spoke to someone in your office a week ago and they told me to phone the Canadian support line. They told me I would have to work through you guys since you're the ones who told me to send them to New Jersey. I called you again and was told quite firmly that these are not a third-party product, but are an OEM product and it was Dell's responsibility to replace. I called Dell and was forwarded back to you guys, who told me that a supervisor would contact me about the matter within a couple of days. I would like my headphones replaced please."
"May I have your home phone number please?"
"403-555-5678."
"I can't seem to find anything under your number. Let me check into this."
(Hold time: 5 minutes)
"Sir, I can't find anything. Are you certain that they arrived at our office in New Jersey?"
"Yes. I have confirmation from Canada Post that they were delivered and received."
"Well, let me see what I can do. All of the supervisors are in a staff meeting right now until five o'clock Eastern time. I might be able to grab one of them in the couple minutes before they go home. Let me send this information off to a couple supervisors and see if I can get some response to this for you. Let me take your daytime number. Someone should be able to look into this and call you by tomorrow."
"Thank you. And if no one has called by Thursday, I should phone you back?"
"Absolutely, sir. But I am sure someone will phone you."

Thirty minutes later

"Hello?"
"Hello, this is Dorian phoning from Philips. We can't find anything sent from you to us. Do you have a confirmation number for the delivery?"
"Yes. Here. CX192837465CA. Canada Post says it was delivered to the New Jersey address December 12, 2005. At 4:04 in the afternoon."
"(laugh) It says that? What was the model number of the headphones?"
"I'm not sure. They were Nike Skylon Flight 3-Way Adjustable Sport Headphones."
"Can you do me a favour, sir? Are you in front of a computer?"
"Yes."
"Go to Google.com. Click on the 'images' link and type this into the search field: HJ080. Look at the image in the upper left. Are those your headphones?"
"Yes, that's them."
"Good. You sent two sets?"
"That's right."
"I will send you two sets right away. You should have them within a week. If you do not, you can call me directly at this number: 555-555-1928."
"Thank you!"

"Hello and thank you for calling Dell's executive customer service line. Please leave a detailed message about your complaint with your name, phone number, and service tag and someone will contact you to resolve the situation."
"Hello. My name is Phil Bacon. My phone number is 555-555-5678. My service tag is 156S8GH. I am calling in regards to the horrendous customer service and technical support I have received from Dell over the last year. Despite my buying three-year, next-day warranty service on all of my purchases, it took my several weeks to get a hard drive replaced, and recently I was been forced to go through a massive runaround over two pairs of $60 headphones. I am extremely disappointed with Dell's level of service. I don't think there's any way I'll get to speak to Richard Hunter, but I would like to speak to someone in his office or department. I've been very loyal to Dell over the years but recent experiences have made me reconsider ever buying anything from Dell ever again. You can reach me during the day at this number. Thank you."

We did karaoke twice. We're now known as the 'cool table' in the bar, the table where everyone came by for high-fives and other accolades after their numbers. Drunk people kept coming by and going 'WOOO" and giving Tim their phone numbers and stuff.

I swear, I have never had some random female hand me her phone number. EVER. Tim got three in one night. I know I'm married and all, but come on!

We took a day at the Glenbow Museum. Neither of us has been in so many years we can't even recall the last time. The Blackfoot gallery was extensively different than I remember, and left us both with lasting disquiet about our ancestors treatment of the indigenous people of North America.

Spent a day playing board games with friends. Always fun, especially when it begins with a trip to Fatburger.

Got my hair done. Seems my crazy, stuck-in-the-80s-kind-of-gay hair stylist recalled my offhand remark before the wedding last year that 'maybe next year we'll do something more fun'. So now I'm blonde.

Took time to get eye examinations for the both of us. I love our new optometrist. She's about 50 or so with a shock of spikey, bright red hair, wears long leather cloak-style coats, gold twig glasses and orders her staff around like a drill seargent. Uses phrases like, "Oh, I'm not finished with you YET, dearie!" and explains everything she does fully. Love, love, love.

She even emailed me the pictures of my retinas she took. The left one shows signs of a thin retina, which may rupture at some point in the future. Should I start seeing flashes of light or murky bits in my vision, I'm to "email her instantly!"

Wrapped it all up with an anniversary-present-to-each-other spa day. Hot rock massage, sea salt body wrap, manicure, pedicure, facial. Something like heaven. Although I must say, the girl who did my body wrap rubbed sea salt in spots that no one has ever touched me before, you know, without intentions. Don't worry -- it wasn't that type of spa.

After a full day of pampering, I find I am terribly open to suggestion.

Went out for Ethiopian food last night. New one on me! For the uninitiated, Ethiopian cuisine is centered around a kind of vinegary flatbread called injera which you bread pieces off of and use to grab mouthfuls of each dish from a communal plate. All the foods were tasty as well as being nice and spicy. Something we'll try again.

Back to work now, and things are busy, busy. Busy as in I only have time for work and not all the regular messing around I do with blogs and such. So not only have I not posted, I also have not read anybody's in weeks. So if you find I am woefully uneducated on events in all your lives, that would be why.

Feeling better now, and in panic mode at work, catching up on everything I missed because I was sick and getting ahead on everything as we're on vacation next week. Not going anywhere, but have a full week of golf, karaoke and other fun endeavours planned. Maybe some quality City of Villains time. Who knows.

Things are even more hectic because one of our other coordinators at work is leaving, and I'll be taking care of an additional portfolio until rehiring is complete, which, around here, takes over a month. Ah well. I like being the 'go-to guy' around here. Not good for my sanity though.

The reason for the vacation is that our first anniversary is coming up. The 30th will mark the end of our first year of marriage. Wow. Unbelievable how fast everything went. I can't even get a grip on it.

And this month marks our tenth year as a couple, plus Lisa's birthday. It's a month of super-us-party-craziness.

Aaaaand the hard drive crashed, as previously mentioned. There has been much contact with Dell since that entry, including a phone call where I needed to convince them that the disk they sent me did not contain the drivers for my hardware, despite their repeated insistance that it did. We have successfully installed the new hard drive and reinstalled the system. We've been able to salvage much of the old hard drive, thanks to some local professionals. All we lost were the MP3s (most of which were on our players) and Lisa's Outlook profile. She was reading email and moving music to her MP3 player when the computer crashed. Go figure.

Spring has also landed in Calgary, and we have actual green grass on the lawn. We've had a couple days of rain and a few days of bright sunshine forcasted. Nice way to start the vacation, although I will have to rake the thatch at some point.

"Hello?"
"Phil! The computer crashed! I was just transferring songs to my MP3 player and it crashed! It won't reboot, it just keep giving the same error message!"
"No problem, hon. What's the error?"
"It flashes the Dell screen and then says this file '\system32\hal.dll' is missing or corrupt. That's it."
"Weird. Well, I'll look up some stuff and take a look when I get home."
"Why does it only ever break when I'M using it?"

Later...

"Hello and thanks for calling Dell. For service in English please push 1." Beep. "If your computer is not working, please press 1." Beep. "Please enter your Express Service number. If you do not have one, please hold on the line." Beepbeepbeepbeep.
"Hello and thank you for calling Dell. My name is Ranjeet. Can you please give me your Service Tag number please?"
"A345G7." (* Numbers changed for obvious reasons)
"One moment. Please verify your name."
"Phil Bacon."
"And your phone number please."
"403-555-5678."
"And your postal code please."
"T1T 1T1."
"Thank you. I see that your warranty expires on December 7, 2007. Can I help you?"
"Yes. Our computer crashed and won't reboot. It flashes the Dell screen and then says the file '\system32\hal.dll' is missing or corrupt. From what I read on the Net, I suspect the hard drive is dead or dying. I accessed the boot menu and ran the disk diagnostic there. The test failed and gave me this error code. I saw there was an option in the boot menu to 'Boot to Utility Partition'. I figured that was where the diagnostics were so I tried that. I ran the disk tests there. All three tests that checked the hard drive failed at the exact position and gave me this error code."
"Yes sir, and..."
"Hang on, there's more. I found my Windows reinstall CD and loaded off it to check for more diagnostics. It did and those diagnostics failed as well. I clicked on the 'repair Windows' function and it dumped me to a command line prompt. Not sure what to try next."
"Well sir..."
"One more thing. I have a copy of Knoppix on CD, Are you familiar with it? No? It's a copy of Linux than runs off the CD which I use to salvage Windows files when the system is having trouble. It is really good at detecting hard drives on systems and it can't find this one."
"Okay, let me check into this."
(Hold time: 5 minutes)
"Okay sir, I believe this is a software issue and we just need to get that file back in there."
"What about all the diagnostics I ran?"
"Yes sir, the error code is just one that is given when the computer crashes and is hard rebooted. It will clear up once we get you running again."
"...okay."
"You are still the command prompt? Good, then type 'rebuild' and hit enter. This will go through and analyze your files and fix whichever ones are..."
"It errored out."
"...what?"
"It errored out. It says there's a problem with the hard disk and we should run 'chkdsk'."
"...Very good. Type 'chkdsk /r' and hit enter."
"Okay."
"This should take from 15 minutes to a half hour. I will call back in 15 minutes to see how it is doing."
(20 minutes pass)
"Hello."
"This is Dell Technical Support calling. How is it running?"
"It's at 7%."
"...I will call back in 15 minutes."
(30 minutes pass)
"Hello."
"This is Dell Technical Support calling. How is it running?"
"It's at 21%."
"...I will call back in 15 minutes."
(20 minutes pass)
"Hello."
"This is Dell Technical Support calling. How is it running?"
"It's still at 21%. It's been stuck there since you called last."
"Well the 'chkdsk' sometimes takes longer. Let it run another half hour and see if it finishes. If it does not, restart, come back to the command prompt and type in a command for me. I will email it to you..."
"My computer. Is not working."
"...Right. Yes. I will read it to you then. It is 'expand d:\i386\hal.dl_ c:\windows\system32\hal.dll. That will fix the file."
"That won't help if the drive isn't working."
"I am certain it is a software issue and we have had GREAT success with that command. I am going off shift now. I will call you tomorrow and see if this worked. Thanks you for calling Dell!"

30 minutes later.

"Hello and thanks for calling Dell. For service in English" Beep. "If your computer is not" Beep. "Please enter your Express" Beepbeepbeepbeep.
"Hello and thank you for calling Dell. My name is Jagajeevan. Can you please give me your Service Tag number please?"
"A345G7."
"One moment. Please verify your name."
"Phil Bacon."
"And your phone number please."
"403-555-5678."
"And your postal code please."
"T1T 1T1."
"Thank you. I see that your warranty expires on December 7, 2007. Can I help you?"
"Yes. I called earlier because our computer crashed and won't reboot. It says the file '\system32\hal.dll' is missing or corrupt. I've run the diagnostics and think the hard drive is dead or dying. Please read the notes that the previous fellow left. We were running 'chkdsk' and it stalled out. He gave me the 'expand' command to run and it errored out, saying I 'didn't have permission'."
"This sounds like a software issue. Please get out your Dell Resource CD that was in your original package."
"I've run all these diagnostics though; I really think the hard drive..."
"No no no. I am certain it is software."
"But I tried to run this copy of Knoppix that I have and it couldn't even find the hard drive..."
"No no no. It is a software issue. Reinstalling Windows will fix everything. Do you have your Dell Resource CD?"
"No. I have a purple Windows XP reinstallation disk and some software disks. I do not have a Dell Resource CD."
"It was sent to you with your computer."
"No. I took all the CDs out of the box and put them in one location in case I needed them. No Resource CD."
"That is IMPOSSIBLE. You must have a Resource CD."
"Nope. No Resource CD."
"That is...no matter. We can work through this in any case. Have you got your important data off the hard drive?"
"My computer. Is. Not. Working."
"You will need to get all the information off before you reinstall or you will lose everything."
"Fine. I have a friend who I think can help with that."
"Once you have your data off you can call us back and we will walk you through the reinstall. Thank you for calling Dell!"

30 minutes later.

"Hello and thanks for calling Dell. For" Beep. "If your com" Beep. "Please enter" Beepbeepbeepbeep.
"Hello and thank you for calling Dell. My name is Samiksha. Can you please give me your Service Tag number please?"
"A345G7."
"One moment. Please verify your name."
"Phil Bacon."
"And your phone number please."
"403-555-5678."
"And your postal code please."
"T1T 1T1."
"Thank you. I see that your warranty expires on December 7, 2007. Can I help you?"
"Yes. I called earlier because our computer crashed and won't reboot. It says the file '\system32\hal.dll' is missing or corrupt. We tried to repair the file and it failed. But I was trying to tell the last guy that I ran the disk diagnostics and I'm pretty sure the drive is failing. I have a friend who will try to get the data off three days from now, but if the drive is bad, I'd like you to send a new one instead of waiting until then."
"What diagnostics did you run?"
"I ran the disk diagnostic from the boot menu and it failed. I ran the hard drive tests from the utility partition and they all failed at the exact same spot on the drive. I ran the 'chkdsk' from the command prompt and it stalled out. And my copy of Knoppix won't even recognize the hard drive at all. That sounds to me like a hardware issue."
"Yes sir, it is most definitely a hardware issue. Hang on and I will set up and order for a new hard drive to be sent to you."
<10 minutes pass>
"Sir, there is one more thing we would like you to do before we can send you a new hard drive. From the Windows Reinstall CD there is an option called 'Windows Restore' that will reset your computer to when you first got it."
"But if the hard drive is bad..."
"If it is just a bad sector, it will install around it and your computer will work fine. It will erase all your data however. Do you have your important data off your drive?"
"I have a friend helping me with that in three days."
"I will not be working then. Can I arrange for someone to call you then and see how it is going?"
"Fine."
(Note: No one called back as a result of this call.)

Day 4 (Saturday)

"Hello and thanks for" Beep. "If your" Beep. "Please" Beepbeepbeepbeep.
"Hello and thank you for calling Dell. My name is Tarang. Can you please give me your Service Tag number please?"
"A345G7."
"One moment. Please verify your name."
"Phil Bacon."
"And your phone number please."
"403-555-5678."
"And your postal code please."
"T1T 1T1."
"Thank you. I see that your warranty expires on December 7, 2007. I also see that your computer has been showing an error message, that 'hal.dll' is corrupt or missing? Has this been resolved?"
"No. I took my computer to a friend who is a technician to try to get my data off before I attempt the system restore that the last lady I talked too insisted I do. He cannot access the hard drive no matter what he tries. He says the hard drive needs to be replaced. Please send me a new hard drive and a new Resource CD."
"You do not have a Dell Resource CD?"
"No. I never received one."
"Please hold while I arrange to send you a new hard drive."
(Hold time: 15 minutes)
"It will take one or two business working days for the new hard drive to be ready. A technician will call and arrange a time to come over and install it for you. Thanks for calling Dell!"

Day 6 (Monday)

"Hello?"
"Hello, this is Dell Technical Support calling. My name is Ranjeet. I am calling in regards to a service call you placed six days ago regarding an error message when you booted your computer that 'hal.dll' was missing or corrupt. Is your system working fine now?"
"No. We've been unable to get the data off and I called Saturday to have a new hard drive sent. Call you look in the notes? It should say everything there."
"I do not see anything about a new hard drive there..."
"WHAT? I called on Saturday and the guy said a technician would be out today or tomorrow to install a new hard drive for me!"
"I see in the notes now that 'customer requests a new hard drive' but no hard drive has been ordered and no technician booked."
"You have got to be KIDDING me! I need a new hard drive! This has been six days!"
"You called for a new hard drive two days ago..."
"And I've been calling since last Wednesday! You guys made me do all this stuff that I knew wouldn't work! I don't care about the technician. Just send me the new hard drive and I'll install it myself."
"Before I can order you a new hard drive I need to speak to the technician who you spoke to two days again and find out what happened. He is not in today so I will call you back tomorrow."
"Can't you just send the drive?!"
"No, I must speak to him. Thanks for calling Dell!"

Day 8 (Early Wednesday)

"Hello" Beep. "If" Beep. "P" Beepbeepbeepbeep.
"Hello and thank you for calling Dell. My name is Lakshman. Can you please give me your Service Tag number please?"
"I'm sorry, I don't have it. I'm calling from work. Someone was supposed to call me yesterday regarding a new hard drive I asked to be sent on the weekend. No one called so I'm calling now."
"I cannot find your information without a Service Tag."
"Can't you look it up other ways?"
"What is your name?"
"Phil Bacon."
"Hmm. What is your postal code?"
"T1T 1T1."
"I show nothing with that postal code."
"What? How about my phone number? 403-555-5678."
"...I show nothing with that phone number."
"I've given you that number and postal code every time I've phoned in the last week. And it shows NOTHING?"
"Sir, you will have to phone back with your Service Tag number."
"There is no way you can look me up?"
"...I can transfer you to Customer Service. Perhaps they can find you and five your Service Tag."
"Fine."
(Hold time: 5 minutes)
"Hello and thank you for calling Dell Customer Service. My name is Bob. Can you please give me your customer number or order number please?"
"Sorry, I've been forwarded to you from Tech Support. I'm calling to find out information on a hard drive that is supposed to be sent to me but I'm at work and I don't have my Service Tag number. For some reason they can't look me up. Can you look up my information and give me my Service Tag?"
"Yes sir. What's your name?"
"Phil Bacon."
"And your phone number?"
"403-555-5678."
"And your postal code?"
"T1T 1T1."
"This is for your desktop?"
"Yes."
"Your service tag is A345G7."
"Thank you. Can you transfer me back to tech support?"
"Yup. One moment."
(Hold time: 5 minutes)
"Hello and thank you for calling Dell. My name is Darpak. Can you please give me your Service Tag number please?"
"A345G7."
"One moment. Please verify your name."
"Phil Bacon."
"And your phone number please."
"403-555-5678."
"And your postal code please."
"T1T 1T1."
"Thank you. I see that your warranty expires on December 7, 2007. I also see that your computer has been showing an error message, that 'hal.dll' is corrupt or missing? Has this been resolved?"
"No, it has NOT. Please read the notes on the account. The guy I talked to on Monday promised to find out why a new hard drive was not ordered and call me yesterday. He did not. Now it's Wednesday morning and I want you to send me a new hard drive."
"Yes sir! I see you have had a lot of trouble, sir! I am so sorry for all this! I will order you a new hard drive right now. Please hold."
(Hold time: 10 minutes)
"Yes sir, it has been ordered. Your case number is this and the dispatch number is this. I am so sorry for everything that has happened!"
"Thank you so much for taking care of this. How long until it arrives?"
"Two to three business working days."

Updates to this will follow at 8-Track Mind.