Okay, I'm turning off comments on this one because I am NOT looking for feedback. I'm about to use this space to bitch and complain and I don't want "helpful" advice or suggestions or even commiserations. But if you want to know why I've been "off" for the last while or I haven't remembered things I should or why I haven't put myself out lately, this will explain why.

I feel bad.

Really bad. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm drained, exhausted, stressed.

I am heavier than I have ever been. I've gained back every pound I lost last year and they brought friends. I sweat all the time. Anything above 17 degrees makes me uncomfortable and simply moving around to do things causes me to overheat. Last night we changed the sheets on the bed and I was drenched. The sweating seems to be getting worse every day and it's kind of scaring me. The doctor is running tests to make sure it's not being caused by other things (thyroid problems for example) but likely it's just because I'm fat and out of shape.

We can't afford a gym membership right now. I'm too depressed to self-motivate myself to use the exercise bike at home, and I feel way too self-conscious to take out my actual bike. The Y near where we live has a pool and they have lane swims every morning that are not too heavily used, which is a huge temptation. I love, love, love to swim and that really could be my key to getting into shape -- a morning swim every day before going to work. But again, the cost. Someone wanting to buy me an early birthday present could do much worse than paying the startup fees and a month or two of membership.

My back hurts. My feet hurt. I have neck problems that cause headaches all the time. All made worse because of being out of shape and overweight.

And for the first time in my life, I feel ugly. Like I can't stand to look at myself any more. That's never happened, through all the bad hair and unfortunate fashion choices. I sat on the bed yesterday as I was getting dressed and caught myself in the mirror and I was horrified. I don't recognize myself any more.

I'm not sleeping well. We're still having sleep issues, the both of us, and all other things being equal we're dealing with it okay. My sleep meds work great, but I can only take them three days a week, and they just don't work on nights when Lisa may be snoring extra loud. So those nights I go downstairs and sleep in the spare room. The last week has been particularly bad, through some bad conjunction of planets or something. It's been super hot, which makes it hard for me to sleep. Lisa's been going through a bad patch of snoring, plus I haven't been sleeping well on the spare bed. Normally, this would give me enough sleep to squeak through, but as I said before, it's a case of 'all things being equal'.

'Too Much Information' time. I have IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. That means that anything wrong in the rest of my life is reflected in my bowels. I've been having massive cramps and diarrhea for nearly a week, bad enough that the cramps make me want to vomit as well. It's interfering with work and it wakes my up in the middle of the night.

Our car is dying. I was stuck in bad traffic for over an hour a couple weeks ago at 30+ temperatures and the car died. Worked once she cooled off, but she's been running kind of rough and sluggish every since. Can't afford to fix her, can't afford a new car, can't really afford to borrow money for either.

The house needs work. My deck needs to be refinished before winter as whatever coating the previous owner used is flaking off in big patches. The boards are warping too. Our beautiful rose bushes out front are being savaged by caterpillars, spider mites and 'powder mildew'. Ants are taking over the lawns. I need to clean out the basement and the garage as I've been piling crap in both since last year. And with how I've been feeling, I don't feel up to tackling any of it. I'm overwhelmed.

Another coordinator left at work so I'm doing two people's jobs again and this time I don't know everything about what I've taken on and the guy really didn't leave things in great shape. People keep coming up to me and saying, "Did you know about this" and I have to say no.

It goes without saying that we're broke. Bills are getting paid, but stuff keeps cropping up that prevents us from getting ahead, like how last month one of our turtles stopped eating and we got scared and coughed up over a hundred dollars at the vet. She's better now -- eating everything we put down in front of her -- but that was money we could sorely use elsewhere.

The one bright spot in all this has been Lisa. She's a real champ. She has her stress too (a lot of the same as mine, I'm sure) but she's going out of her way to be understanding and helpful. We're fighting more than we like, but we both know the real reasons behind it and she's been making the extra effort to make things as easy as possible from her side of things. I don't know what sort of state I'd be in without her. (Thanks babe.)

I know a lot of the solutions to these problems, which is one reason I've turned off the comments. I need to exercise, eat better, spend money more responsibly, be more dedicated my responsibilities, focus, blah blah fucking blah. But everything is combining to make me depressed. Real depression. I often can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, only more darkness. And every little thing makes it worse.

So if I miss things, if I forget things, it's not because I don't care or it's not important. It's because my vision is so narrow, because I'm so wrapped up in my worries and stress that everything else is falling away. I feel bad about the things I don't do (or do wrong), I really do, but there's only so much I can handle.

I feel like I need something to happen. Something bright and wonderful. Something has to change in my life, break this depression spiral I'm in. And I feel like I can't make that miracle happen.

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