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To my unborn children, I'm so sorry. Let me explain. At the time I'm writing this, you are not even a thought yet. More of a thought about the thought of a thought. But we're planning. Your cousin Morgan is due to be born any second, so your Mother and I have babies on the brain. It's time for us to think having you. I'm 34 after all, and while I could conceivably father children for several more decades, I'd like to not have to check out of the seniors' home to come to your graduation. We have no training with babies, your mother and I. Babies don't particularly care for me. I'm great with toddlers and pre-schoolers - they follow me around like I'm some sort of God -- but babies just look at me with seriously concerned expressions that, 9 times out of 10, devolve into tears. I've never had to care for a baby. Lisa's done some babysitting a million years ago, but nothing formative. Our big worry is about screwing you kids up. Not so much if, we've come to believe, but how. It's inevitable. All children have been screwed up by their parents in some fashion. Thus, the apology. Even now I know you'll be messed up. All I can try to do is predict how, and try to act accordingly. An axiom of parenthood seems to be: All children grow up to be just like their parents. Except for when they don't. Will you pick up our sloppy housekeeping habits? Will it be necessary to get you to shovel a path to your bed every night? Or will you be the opposite, and need to scrub your headboard down with disinfectant before you can contemplate bedtime? Will you catch me drinking from the milk jug and imitate me to your mother's horror? Will you continually leave your socks all over the house like your mother? Will you learn the lessons we try to teach you, or will you pick up some weird unintended lesson? Your Grandma tried to cure me of my messy room by extreme measures. Every drawer got upended in the middle of the room and anything remaining on the floor by the end of the day was to be shoveled into the trash (a threat I never tested). This didn't so much cure my slovenliness as instill a pattern in my mind where I can let things go completely to pot - no proof of flooring remains visible, the cats have been taken captive by the thing growing on the dishes - before feeling the need to clean everything in one fell swoop. Your aunt has been raising your cousin on the concept of his learning to make his own choices, letting him make decisions from the time he was able to comprehend the choice and sticking by what he decided. Which is great, from the perspective of developing his reasoning skills and maturity. Of course at the age of four, anything you ask is automatically 'NO' and getting the bugger to do something he doesn't want to is somewhat of a struggle. Want to have a nap? NO. Want to go for a ride? NO. Want a cookie? N...YES. If I give you a cookie will you take a nap? NO. It's just that good intentions go awry so easily! When junior reaches for the shiny hot burner on the stove, do you slap their hands away and say 'No!'? While it saves on short-term pain, will it teach Junior not to think for themselves or to develop resentment over your controlling ways? If you let Junior touch it and get burned, do you risk the child developing a paranoid dread of the world and lose their trust in you? Junior climbs a tree and may fall! Prevent him from injury or let him learn his limits? Junior wants to know how babies are made! Tell him too much and risk a blas‚ attitude towards sex. Tell him too little and leave him uninformed against the risks. Spanking! Acceptable deterrent or child abuse? Don't even mention the randomness of simple biology. I can't even PREDICT what you guys have grown into. There's numerous unfortunate biological factors you may have received from your Mother and I that I probably should apologize for as well (my teeth, her lungs, etc.), but that's the subject of a whole letter by itself. I just want you to be healthy and happy. And that sounds so simple, doesn't it? Healthy and happy. So often they are mutually exclusive. Sure, eating an entire bag of marshmallows might make you happy, but not so much on the healthy side (as I myself learned to my detriment). I hardly even know how to change a diaper. Why should I be trusted to construct the initial framework of your emotional and psychological development? Anyway, if you're like most kids, you won't have even read this far, but if you have, know that even before you were born - even before you were conceived - we were thinking about you, what you will be like, and what you will become. And we're so very sorry. Dad |
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