Part 1, Part 2, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Orlando Day #3: The Magic Kingdom
Our favorite day. The Magic Kingdom really is the central marvel of the Disney World complex. Almost exactly what I recall from my childhood visit to Disneyland, and more. We saw nearly EVERYTHING. I'm only going to touch on highlights.

Ferry/Monorail: The big difference between Disneyland and the Magic Kingdom is that to access the Magic Kingdom to have to somehow cross this entire lake. You have two choices: the fast monorail (but with long lines) or the slower ferry (which carries more people). I wanted to do the monorail, but Lisa wanted the ferry. I caved, and I'm happy I did, as the approach to the Magic Kingdom is beautiful.

One downside. As we walked down to the dock, we passed this one family. One of their fat, lips-stained-with-Kool-Aid kids had just realized they weren't going to go on the monorail and started screeching, "MONORAIL! I WANT TO GO ON THE MONORAIL!" For the next ten minutes (they somehow kept a short distance behind us, despite our efforts to avoid them) that was all we heard. His mother trying to soothe him, and him just screaming, "MONORAIL! MONORAIL" over and over.

Even when they dragged the damn kid on the boat and it pulled out of the dock and it was too damned late either way the kid still kept whining 'monorail' over and over. Seriously. If that kid had been mine, he would have been heading back to the car with a painful behind, not being taken to the Happiest Place on Earth.

Ever since, when we've heard some kid starting to melt down, Lisa and I have turned to each other and whined, "Monorail!"

We took the monorail on the way out. It was cooool.

Space Mountain: As good as I remembered it and more. Woo! Outer space roller coaster! What more do you want?

Stitch's Great Escape: Remember that scene early on in Lilo & Stitch where Stitch escapes the big tube in the prison area? Well, this attraction lets you pretend you are a Galactic Federation Security Agent stuck in the same room with an out-of-control Stitch. It's one hell of an immersive simulation as Stitch bounces from head to head around the room, talking and belching (more stink gas action) and finally pats you on the head on his way out.

Tomorrowland Transit Authority: I remember the PeopleMover, a slow ride that traveled you around Tomorrowland and gave you glimpses into various rides. It's closed at Disneyland now, but at The Magic Kingdom it exists as the Transit Authority. I was surprised that there was no line to get on.

Toontown USA: Lots of stuff for the little ones, including Mickey & Minnie's houses. Touring through Mickey's house was a little disturbing. Minnie's house had pictures of her friends, especially Mickey. Mickey's house was full of...Mickey. I mean, everything was shaped like Mickey. Windows, wallpapers, chair backs, everything had little Mickeys. Every picture had Mickey in it. Even the mailbox was one big mouse head! The ego of that mouse!

Fantasyland: Lisa opted out of the Mad Tea Party, and I didn't argue, deciding I would rather not get vomited on. We did the Cinderella's Golden Carousel instead, where this chubby little kid kept asking me to reattach his filthy wrist bandage for him. Yuck.

Mickey's PhilharMagic: Another 3-D show, this one having Donald swipe Mickey's magic hat and getting caught up in musical numbers from all sorts of Disney Movies. Disney refrained from the stink gas this time, instead opting to waft out some sweet vanilla scents during the 'Be Our Guest' number. Mmmm.

it's a small world: The moment I was dreading. See, we went on this ride like three times when I was a kid, and the sheer horror of it is imbedded in my psyche. People who haven't been on it just don't get it, but a single ride can give you a glimpse. Little vacant-eyed animatronic people dancing in their set poses over and over, singing the same song over and over and over...oh lord, the nightmares. Lisa smiled as we went in, then after a few minutes said, "Okay, I'm done with this song now." We were only getting started. After all, they've made it even longer for the anniversary celebration.

The skies had opened up just before we went in, and stopped just as we came out, so I guess it was all good in the end.

Wanna see me cringe? Just start singing, "It's a world of laughter..." I just gave myself the heebie-jeebies.

The Haunted Mansion: Cool as ever. One of my big three favorite rides. The ghosts in the mirror tricks are a bit dated, but still good, especially the big finish in the graveyard. Fun!

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad: When we were in Disneyland when I was a kid, this was under construction, so I never got to go on it. It was awesome! Rocking rollercoaster barreling through tunnels and across the landscape. Woo!

Splash Mountain: Not your ordinary two-drop waterslide. See, Disney wraps everything in story, and instead of just dropping twice, getting wet and leaving, they wrapped the waterslide with the story of Br'er Rabbit and the Briar Patch. I thought Disney had distanced themselves from the whole Song Of The South thing, what with its non-PC nature, but here was Br'ers Rabbit, Fox, Bear and more I never even knew of, singing and playing. And the final big slide was timed with Rabbit being tossed so you went down into the patch with him.

The Enchanted Tiki Room: My one big gripe. See the Tiki Room was this weird little place where animatronic birds sing along with these puppet tiki heads on the walls. Very weird, very surreal. But now it's under 'new management' and Disney has updated it with Iago from 'Aladdin' and Zazu from 'The Lion King' who spend the whole time making fun of the old Tiki room. See, the kids these days won't get the joke, as they would never have seen the old room, and the nostalgic adults all wonder why they changed it at all. Sigh.

Pirates of the Caribbean: My all-time favorite. Never quite sure what it was doing in a Disney park, as it's just a long tableau of pirates doing what pirates do, with no happy ending (except for some of the pirates), but I don't care. Besides, I was wearing a pirate hat by this point with 'Capt. Phil' embroidered across it. Little girl in front of me was looking at me with BIG EYES and whispered to her mom, "He's a pirate!"

Jungle Cruise: A boat ride through a jungle populated by stiff animatronic animals. The live hosts of the ride have wizened to the cheese factor and pepper the ride with bad puns, cheap jokes and silly comments. My kind of ride. Plus, as we came up, one of the tour guides saw my hat from a distance and screamed, "Captain PHIL!" across an entire crowd of people at me like I was some famous movie star. I love Disney.

We missed out on Cinderella-bration, this big stage show in front of Cinderella's castle wherein Cinderella gets coronated and all the other Disney Princesses show up. Something for all the little girls. And Lisa. But 30 seconds into the show, it began to rain again, and the show was called off. Lisa was very sad.

It did clear up in time for the SpectroMagic Parade at the end of the night. Dozens of Disney floats, characters and other oddities, all decked out with lights, winding their way through the park. The pictures we took don't do justice to it at all. For example, when the Night On Bald Mountain float passed by, with every crack and ridge on the mountain highlighted in red lights, and the mountain slowly unfurled into the giant demon, also outlined and highlighted in red...I got shivers.

We also caught the Share A Dream Come True parade earlier in the day. It was raining, but it didn't matter, as most of the characters were in these weird 'snow globe' kind of bubbles.

I got the aforementioned Pirate hat, and Lisa got a set of gold commemorative mouse ears, and we had them both embroidered, which is something to see. No computer generated stitchery here! The embroidering staff is impeccably trained to use this custom stitching machine that can whirl through any name in under a minute. Very cool.

By the time we left (Monorail!), the sun was down and the park was closed. So we headed straight back to the hotel to crash.

Orlando Day #4: Disney-MGM Studios
Disney-MGM was nearly as fun as The Magic Kingdom. First off, we've movie nuts and anything to do with movies makes us go all crazy-like. Second, the weather was smashing. Third, everyone was having a good time. Fun is infectious.

We heard in advance that if you wanted to get good seats for 'Fantasmic!', the evening fireworks/light show without waiting in line for three hours to get in, you could make dinner reservations at one of three restaurants at MGM and get a preferred guest pass to the show. So the first thing we did was head for the dinner reservations kiosk.

When we off-handedly mention it was our honeymoon, the clerk at the kiosk handed us honeymoon badges with Mickey and Minnie in bridal outfits. Everyone at the part congratulated us whenever they saw it and treated us with extra kindness (and at Disney, that's a lot).

Stuff we saw:

Beauty and the Beast - Live on Stage!: A 45-minute version of the full live musical. Lisa was in heaven.

The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror: Basically a 'Drop of Doom' ride, where the patrons are hauled up and then dropped several stories. But of course, this is Disney, so the ride was all wrapped up in this Twilight Zone story set at the 'Hollywood Tower Hotel'. After walking through the grounds and foyer of the run-down and cobweb-strewn hotel, and took your seat in the 'service elevator', the ride moved through a series of floors, each showing bits of the story of people who rode the elevator and never returned.

Finally, the elevator moves to the top floor and the fun really starts. Disney has redesigned the ride so that it is random every time. You could drop two, three or more times, from different heights and different distances. As you fall, windows open and close showing you the world outside (and people in the park get a glimpse of you screaming on the way down). We had three big drops and on the last one, Lisa swears that the elevator tipped forwards a bit at the top, giving you the feeling that you would plunge out through the open window.

It was AWESOME!

The gift shop at the end not only featured 'Tower of Terror' items, but also stuff that matched the story, like Hollywood Tower Hotel towels and Hollywood Tower Hotel bathrobes. Someone at Disney does some thinking!

Aerosmith's Rock 'n Roller Coaster: So you're visiting world-famous G-Force Records, where Aerosmith is recording their new album. From the studio viewing area, you can see Aerosmith in the booth talking to the guys at the mixer board. Their manager comes in, trying to get them to their concert, and the band decides to bring you with them. Special super-stretch limos are called for and you head out into the parking lot. You climb in and are told that to make it to the concert on time, you'll have to hurry.

I love Disney. So cool.

When the light turns green, the coaster launches to a speed of 60mph in 2.8 seconds. The entire ride is in the dark, with multiple loops, corkscrews and hairpin turns as you fly past neon road signs and landmarks. Easily the fastest coaster I've ever ridden. Our hair was literally standing out straight at the end. Lisa loved. The only fast ride she actually wanted to go on twice.

We wandered for a while (giggling at the sight of Stitch wreaking havoc on some poor employee's map display) and ended up at:

The Great Movie Ride: A slow-moving trip through the movies. Projected and animatronic displays from Aliens to Casablanca with a live tour guide giving narration. Fun, because we know and love nearly every movie shown.

Backlot Tour: You get to hop on a tram and take a ride behind the scenes where actual movies get filmed. A good little tour for film buffs, with views into production facilities, costume workshops and the studio's 'boneyard' (which included the spaceship Max from 'The Navigator') as well as a fun stop at a special effects area where you nearly get caught in an explosion and flash flood.

Sci-Fi Dine-In Theatre: I wish we could have eaten there, but we just didn't have time. It's a drive-in movie theatre in miniature where the tables are cars and all seats face the big screen which constantly shows old sci-fi 'B' movies. Next time for sure.

Disney Stars and Motor Cars Parade: Another parade with fancy cars and characters from the park. I swear I was the only one who recognized The Muppet Show's Sweetums when he came by (by the way that everyone looked funny at me when I screamed 'SWEETUMS!' at the top of my lungs). Kids today. Hmph.

Muppet Vision 3-D: Another Disney 3-D adventure, with the crazy guys at Muppet Labs showing us what they've come up with for 3-D, without a single cheap 3-D trick. In fact there were dozens of cheap 3-D tricks.

Star Tours: Sadly, after Mission: SPACE and other simulators, the Star Wars-themed Star Tours feels a bit dated. Still, I've wanted to ride it ever since it opened over a decade ago and I finally got my chance. I hear they plan on revamping it now that the prequels are all out. So, next time!

Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular!: Where our honeymoon badges really paid off. Sure, at the Hollywood and Vine diner (where we ate to get our Fantasmic tickets) our waiter gave us free Disney travel cups, but that was nothing compared to this.

The Spectacular is a theatre-event, where you can watch various stunts from (and inspired by) Raiders Of The Lost Ark, as they were done with stuntmen and pre-cgi special effects. Audience members are used to fill out the extras in the scene. The Disney staffer at the door noticed our badges and turned to his coworker with a grin, saying, "You think?"

When the other guy nodded, the staffer grinned at us and said, "Follow me!" He led us down to the very front, to a special VIP roped-off area. As he let us in, he asked, "You guys want to be in the show?" After I mentioned that I might have some particular interest in that direction, he said, "They always ask for a couple on their honeymoon. Be sure to jump up and scream when they do and you'll get in."

A few minutes later, the 'casting director' comes out and starts drafting people. We screamed and hollered when she asked for honeymooners and were brought right out. After ensuring we could act (by having us freeze and clutch each other in terror) we went off and got into costume.

The extras got trooped back on stage and the director came out to get us all warmed up. After a couple gags, he picked me out and brought me forward. "I'd like you to do a death scene for us. I'll 'shoot' you and you go ahead and die. Use the whole stage area. Ham it up. Think you can do that?"

I hinted that it might be within my range of abilities.

"Bang!" he says, shooting me with his finger. I clutch at my chest and moan in pain, staggering up and down, flailing my arms in the air. The other male extras rush to my aid, trying to support me, but I brush them off. Finally I fall to the floor, and the female extras rush up, wailing and crying. One even attempts to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation (being sure to tell me afterwards that she was a trained lifeguard).

The show was fun. We got to run around, pointing at things, applauding (when Indiana takes out a bad guy), screaming (when another takes his place), and running around (to escape/get a better vantage point to see the action). What a hoot!

Fantasmic: Finally we ended up at the light show. A big mountain set, where Mickey's dreams of music and magic are interrupted by the entire set of Disney Villains, who try to take him out. A mix of fireworks, lights, lasers, stage explosions, movie scenes projected on walls of water jets, and live-action stuff including a massive Maleficent that stalks Mickey at the end. Do not miss this show.

Orlando Day #5: Sea World
Tip #1 for visitors to Orlando. Orlando is full of theme parks, not just Walt Disney World. Sea World, Universal Studios, Islands of Adventure, Busch Gardens, Cypress Gardens, Silver Springs...the list goes on and on, and rumor has it that even more are in the process of being built AS WE SPEAK. So when you go, visit Disney LAST. Other parks may have bigger and faster rides, but none can top the Disney experience. We were disappointed with Sea World, but only because Disney World had spoiled us.

We arrived in the late morning, and hit some key areas around the park. There are only three rides, and we hit two of them (not recognizing the third for a ride).

Kraken: Truly a monster of a roller coaster. Monster! Hah! I kill me!

Speaking of monster, I'm standing in line for the front row (always get the front row when you can). Behind me are two young hipsters and their pretty-pretty chippies. One of the chippies turns to her hipster and says, "So, like, what's a kraken?"

He's all, "Well, it's... Tim?"

The other guy holds his hands about six inches apart and says, "They got them over there...they're like this big, like little squids..."

I couldn't resist. "Actually, they're giant mythical creatures," I say. "About 200 feet in length or so. Like giant squids. They eat whales."

They all blink at me. The guy make the six-inch gesture again, "But I saw them over there..."

"No, that would be something else. Krakens are giant mythical creatures. Big monsters."

They all blink and the guy turns back to the girl. "They're mythical..."

Anyway, Kraken is an awesome ride, with a 15-story drop and speeds around 65 mph. Very fun. The only ride Lisa didn't go on the whole time.

Journey to Atlantis: A two-drop water ride with a mini-roller coaster segment in the end. A fun ride, but Sea World tried to do what Disney does and wrap the ride in a story. Yeah, that shit only works when you kinda know the story already. All I know is that we were led along these grottos by some mystical twinkling sea horse, and that's the most sense I could make out of the story. Well, it was wet, anyway.

The big draw of the park was the animal attractions and shows. We caught a few of them.

Manatee Rescue: One of the best things about Sea World-type parks is the conservation efforts that go on behind the scenes. Manatee Rescue is sort of a halfway house for injured manatees before they get released to the wild.

Manatees are cool! Big, sloth-like creatures, whose only real enemy is the Evil Powerboat. We bought a stuffed one to bring home.

Penguin Encounter: Two big rooms in this building. The first has a populations of penguins, including Kings, Rock-hoppers and Gentoos - so cute! - and the other a massive flock of puffins - unbelievably cute! - showing how nature filled the same niche on both ends of the globe with similar, unrelated animals. Very nice.

Shark Encounter: Remember Jaws 3, with the big plastic tube that went under the shark enclosure? This was like that, but with 100 per cent less screaming and dying.

Dolphin Nursery & Dolphin Cove: Dolphins! Everything is good when you add dolphins to the mix! The nursery lets you look at young mothers and their babies, while the Cove lets you interact with the big lugs. You can reach out and pet them (if they come close enough) or feed them during feeding hours. Dolphins feel like wet suits! So very cool. A preview of a later excursion we take on the cruise ship.

Stingray Lagoon: Docile stingrays of all sizes, just kinda swimming around looking for handouts. You can pet them as they pass or try to feed them squid. In person, a persons impression of stingrays as big scary monsters of the deep turns into one of big dumb lumps very quickly. Again, a fun preview of later excitement.

Shamu Adventure: The big orca show.

Yes, I said ORCA! YOU HEAR THAT SEA WORLD! ORCA! ORCA! THERE'S A REASON MARINE BIOLOGISTS AND CETOLOGISTS STOPPED CALLING THEM KILLER WHALES YEARS AGO DAMN IT ALL! STOP PROPAGATING THE MYTH OF THEM AS MAN-EATING KILLERS!

I'm fine.

The show was cool. A step above other whale shows I've seen, as this one involves actually interactions and acrobatics with the trainer and the whale together. Like the trainer holds himself stiff and the whale propels him through the water by pushing on the soles of his feet, culminating in a sudden push from below to propel them both high in the air. Cool!

The show did make us feel very uncomfortable though. Before they brought the whales out, there was a 15-minute 'Salute to the Troops' that left us uneasy.

Do NOT get me wrong. I'm all over supporting our armed forces. My father and both grandfathers served and I recognize the value and need for the valiant men and women who protect my freedom and very life.

But this... As Lisa, says, there's a line in the Arrogant Worms' 'Forgive Us We're Canadian' that goes, "We don't much like to wave the flag/We find patriotism shocking" that didn't make a lot of sense until we saw the Salute to the Troops. What I saw didn't feel like patriotism to me, but fanaticism. People waving guns wouldn't have been out of place among the people cheering and applauding. We were honestly worried that we might get lynched if we didn't clap along.

It was funny, because Disney didn't have any of the rampant flag waving. Probably because Disney is, well Disney, and Sea World is owned by Anheuser-Busch, the guys who brew Budweiser, the beer of the American Working Joe. It makes marketing sense to align themselves with their blue-collar customer base in such a fashion. Disney's primary customer base isn't old enough to vote.

Back at the hotel that night, we busily packed and did some laundry, preparing for our big road trip down to Miami to board the cruise ship.

Next week! The road trip! We get screwed by the rental company (for real this time)! And the ship departs!

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