Part 1, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

In an effort to actually tell you as much as I can without falling into last week's nostalgia and warm sniffles, I'm imposing some order on this.

Post-Wedding
We snuck out the doors at midnight. My apologies to those of you who I gave false information on the way out the door (we were going for some fresh air, just the fresh air on the way to the hotel), but we were already exhausted and the moment we actually told someone we were leaving we would have been obligated to another full hour of hugs and tearful goodbyes.

As it turned out, we were gone at the very crack of midnight. The bells were still ringing when we stepped out into the night.

I'm not going to share the details of the actual wedding night (you filthy-minded pervs), save for the fact that the hotel gave us a suite with a whirlpool tub, which we used twice, and that the rumours that Lisa's dressed weighed in excess of 100lbs were not as inaccurate as you would think. That thing's heavy.

The Gift Opening
We were sad that more people weren't there. Partly because we wanted more people to share the morning with us, and partly because we had to pay for all the folks who said they'd be there and weren't. Ah well. More bacon for us.

The sheer scale of presents astounded us. We found out later that there was a sale on our crystal the couple weeks before the wedding, which explains why so many people bought items from the crystal set. At the time we were wondering if everyone thought we were alcoholics or something. We now have the same number of wine glasses, whiskey glasses, martini glasses, et cetera, as the number of actual drinks I have drunk in the last ten years. Still, they look awful pretty all lined up in our china hutch.

Getting two toasters is not unusual for a wedding (I think the average stands at 4.8 or something). What was unusual was that they were the exact same toaster and neither one was the model we actually registered for. However: damn good toaster, nonetheless.

Flight Thoughts #1: Calgary to Toronto
Coach Carter? Not a bad movie. Needs more basketball and less pregnant cheerleader.

Hey, plane flights make my extremities swell up. Maybe I'll take off my watch in the next flight.

Layover #1
Three hours. We invented a new variant of Rock-Paper-Scissors, where you make up anything you want (from pepper mill to sperm whale to Antarctica), display it with your hand (or both hands if necessary) and then argue about which one wins. Great sleep-deprivation fun.

Flight Thoughts #2: Toronto to Orlando
Okay, the flight is too short for a full movie, but a Bewitched re-run? At least the entertainment guide says we get the Simpsons on the way home.

Have I mentioned that I can't sleep in airplanes? Well, I can't.

Glad I took my watch off. I think I'll take off my wedding ring for the flight from Miami to Montreal.

Okay, is it even possible to fit two people in here, let alone maneuver them for sexual hijinks?

Orlando Arrival
The rides start as soon as you get off the airplane. The gates are connected to the terminal by a high-speed monorail-type service, kind of like the one that runs along the centerline of Babylon 5. Fun!

Orlando has been determined to be the most expensive place from ground travel in the world. A one-way ticket from the airport to the hotel would cost $50 US. We were able to find a shuttle service that could provide round-trip transport for both of us for $58, so long as we didn't mind waiting for, like, ever.

Our first glimpse at what would be a constant annoyance the whole trip: begging for tips.

We're used to Canadian service people, who will pause for a moment, just in case you want to tip them, and that's it. Apparently, in the Tipping Triangle that included every destination on our trip, it's the custom for every service person to loudly announce that 'TIPPING IS CUSTOMARY AND IS A LARGE PORTION OF OUR SALARY' and then stand there waiting for the money to pour into their little buckets. Even in the places where we pre-paid our tips, or tips were automatically added to the bill, people had their hands out.

I was actually offended by this, and part of me thinks that some new anti-tipping coalition should form, refusing to tip anyone and force a radical financial readjustment in the tourism industry.

We got to the hotel and into our rooms mid-afternoon Orlando time. After getting acquainted with the hotel and area, buying some cheap rain ponchos from Walgreen's and having dinner at the Sizzler (oooh...Sizzler...) we crashed at seven o'clock, marking the end of 32 straight hours awake.

I also got ambushed by the 'Guest Services' lady post-check-in. After giving us some coupons for nearby restaurants and some helpful advice, she invited us for a free breakfast at a new Sheraton hotel in Orlando. We would sit through a 90-minute presentation and get tickets to 'Arabian Nights', some sort of Vegas-style dinner/horse show deal.

As we walked away, Lisa asked, "You realize you've signed us up for a time-share presentation." Oh.

Orlando Day #1: Epcot
We got shipped over for the time-share presentation. As many bagels and donuts as you can eat. Nice hotel, but the time-share (sorry vacation-share) was not something we could financially handle at this time. No, really, we just got married and bought a house and... no, we just can't... no, I see it's a good deal but... BACK THE HELL OFF TIME-SHARE JERK!

At least we got dinner tickets.

On to Disney! What do you mean we missed the free shuttle? How much for a taxi to Epcot? $18? Fine. Grumble grumble.

Epcot is divided into two areas: Future World and World Showcase. Future World is all about technology and science, with rides and interactive displays. World Showcase is like a World's Fair, with pavilions for 11 different nations, including gift shops, food choices and neat architecture.

The first portion of our day was spent wandering about Future World. Here are some of the attractions we saw:

Spaceship Earth: A big animatronic ride inside the huge geosphere that is Epcot's 'Really Big Thing' (every park has one). It's the 'stirring story of human communication'. Picture a museum that you get driven through. Still, everything Disney does in its parks turns into magic, so this was still pretty cool. And educational!

Ellen's Energy Adventure: Another slow edu-ride, this one taking us through Ellen's DeGeneres's dreams, which involves a lot more Jeopardy and a lot less lesbian encounters than I would have predicted. This combo of video and animatronic displays teaches where energy comes from. Lots of dinosaur stuff, just because dinosaurs are cool. Pretty funny, actually.

Mission: SPACE: Our first actual ride. Simply the most effective simulator I have ever experienced, giving a nice taste of what it might be like to rocket to Mars. Wow! One warning: when Disney warns you that a ride may be extreme several times, they mean it. The 'space capsule' is claustrophobia-inducing even before the shoulder harness comes down and the console and screen slide to NO MORE THAN THREE INCHES FROM YOUR NOSE LIKE A COFFIN LID. It was all I could do to not scream "ABORT! ABORT" before it actually started. However, I would completely do it again. We both required an hour before we recovered enough to move on to...

Test Track: See what it is like to be an actual Crash Test Dummy in a GM testing facility! Drive fast! Bump around! Crash into things! This looked really swell, until it broke down just before we were to get on. Kinda glad it broke down when it did - on the way out we saw a car stuck in the middle of the high-speed curve section of the ride, where the car is on a slope of some 45 degrees. The two kids trapped in the car had been stuck there for some twenty minutes by the time we saw them and they were NOT happy.

Honey, I Shrunk The Audience: Our first Disney 3-D experience. Disney does not limit itself to just 3-D projection. No, every seat is equipped with speakers, little air jets in fun places and whatever other toys the evil Disney geniuses could come up with. Fun. Warning: Disney Corporation bought eighteen million gallons of stink gas back in the eighties and plans to use every last molecule.

The Living Seas: Not so much a ride but the longest method of audience entrance control I've ever seen. First you get a long video about the seas, and then you ride in an elevator down to a 'sea base', which is just the entry to a huge underwater environment. Nice illusion, but next time we're taking the bypass route. Still, the insides were beautiful, with huge tanks for dolphins and sharks and more, as well as environmentally-themed displays and shows.

Soarin': Brought in just special for the Happiest Celebration On Earth 50th Anniversary Blah Blah Blah. It's a hang-gliding simulation that totally rocks and is totally not long enough.

By this point the clouds were starting to roll in, and we started to walk around the World Showcase. Really, it's all gift shops and food kiosks, with a couple Disney-esque film and ride presentations in a few of the nations. The Canadian pavilion made us giggle.

The best part of all the pavilions was the details, something we saw at every park the entire time we were there. At some theme parks, the 'theme' is shown through adding false fronts to identical shops. Disney does more. From building entire replicas of authentic buildings (even the parts you aren't supposed to see are all done up) to stocking the shops with items unique to that store and area, Disney takes care to completely immerse you in the theme. The uniform worn by staffers differs for every store, ride or attraction in every park.

So the pavilions were breathtaking, looking like Disney engineers actually swooped down and took real places whole from around the world and transplanted them.

We didn't spend as much time gawking as we would like. We were low on time already and it was absolutely pouring rain by then. We found a good vantage point for the fireworks show (Epcot surrounds a lake, and the show is in the centre of the lake) and huddled trying to stay dry for the show.

The show at Epcot is called IllumiNations, and involves lots and lots of pyrotechnics and lasers plus a big floating globe with curved LED screens showing pictures of sweeping landscapes and stuff. It was cool, and we would have enjoyed it much more had we been dry.

It was then that we discovered that cheap nylon raincoats are not actually waterproof.

Orlando Day #2: Animal Kingdom
Wherein we learn that Orlando is indeed in the tropical temperature zone.

Animal Kingdom is Disney's effort to get kids interested in conservation while capitalizing on the kiddies' love of fluffy animals. The entire area is utterly gorgeous, like an open air zoo. A lot of the exhibits reminded me of our own zoo, in that the new areas are all wide open with the animals mingling free. Sprinkled throughout the rides and shops and food kiosks are actual viewing areas with local and exotic bird and animals. Very neat. Very, very hot.

Camp Minnie-Mickey: Skip this entire area unless you are looking for pics with Disney characters. It's one big photo-op area.

The Tree of Life: Animal Kingdoms 'Really Big Thing'. This massive artificial tree can be seen from nearly everywhere in the park, and every inch of it is carved with animal designs, top to bottom. Very impressive from any distance. Even the roots are carved, as we found out when we filed into the tunnels below it for...

It's Tough To Be A Bug: Another 3-D show, with some of the characters from A Bug's Life. More stink gas. I love Disney 3-D.

Kilimanjaro Safari: The back areas of Animal Kingdom are roughly divided into Africa and Asia, with the centerpiece of the Africa area being the Safari. Actual open-air guided tours in jeeps through the African savannah. Live and roaming elephants, zebras, hippos, rhinos, giraffes, lions, jaguars... So good. So impressive.

Pangani Forest Exploration Trail: A walking trail nearby with more animal areas, including a troop of gorillas and an aviary. As cool as it was, our feet didn't appreciate the extra walking. Our sneakers were still wet from the day before, so we were in our sandals. Lisa's were actively collapsing in an unentertaining fashion.

Wildlife Express Train/Conservation Station: We gratefully flopped onto this train into the back areas of the Animal Kingdom. It led us past the animal pens and research areas into an area devoted to conservation and wildlife management. Nice and educational. Our favorite part were these 'rainforest sounds' booths where you sit in the dark (and cool) wearing headphones and listening to sounds of the rainforest. Except for the obligatory part where they threw in chainsaws to show the destruction of the rainforest, it was very soothing.

Kali River Rapids: We skipped the walking trail portion of the Asia area, but did catch the river raft ride. Eight people in a circular raft, going down rapids and long slopes. Very refreshing. But again, a big long segment of clear-cut, with fires and chainsaw noises, driving home the ecological point. I commend Disney on their education practices, but it was a bit heavy-handed. We did this one twice.

DINOSAUR: One corner of the Animal Kingdom was devoted to Dinosaurs, the centerpiece of which is DINOSAUR, a fast-moving ride when you board a 'Time Rover' to go back in time and rescue a Dinosaur from being killed in the Big Meteor Impact. Lots of jars and bumps, with a big Carnotaur chasing you the whole way. I actually jumped a few times.

Primeval Whirl: There's an area called 'Chester and Hester's Dino-Rama', which is like a town fair kind of area with small rides and games, all with a dinosaur theme. The Primeval Whirl is a small roller coaster where the cars actually swing freely as the go around corners for some extra G-force. Fun! This was Lisa's first outside roller coaster, and she came through just fine.

We also caught Mickey's Jammin' Jungle Parade, which was fun. Lots of neat costumes and creative floats. Animal Kingdom closes early, so no fireworks.

Arabian Nights
We took advantage of our early evening by using those highly-valued tickets to Arabian Nights, which its website calls 'The Most Honored Dinner Show In The World'. Go look for yourself. It's far lamer than the website makes it out to appear, which leaves me wondering about the quality of all the less-honored dinner shows in the world.

The tickets were free, but the ticket seller convinced us to buy the VIP package, where you get preferred and early seating, access to the VIP waiting area, a backstage tour where you can meet the stars (blah) and the horses (yay!) in the show, two free drinks, plus a poster. Well, the VIP waiting area was a roped-off section of the main waiting area, the poster was garbage, and the tour was just them letting us into the arena where we could pet four horses that really didn't want to be petted. The free drinks were anything you wanted, as long as it was pop, Pabst beer or house wine. We had a few more drink coupons that the guest services lady at the hotel had given us, so we tried both the wine and the beer.

Wow. The beer was hideous. I don't know which variety of Pabst it was, but it was pale and watery. I don't know how you Americans can stomach the stuff. Blech. And the wine was like vinegar, so we stuck to Coke after that.

Early seating was good though, as we were told to be there hours early (so we could chug more Pabst I guess) and we didn't have to stand the whole time. Our seats were also good, right in front of the show.

Dinner was bleh. We decided against the 'prime rib' (good choice, given the grey slabs of yuck we saw on other's plates), and had Salisbury steak, as it had gravy.

The show was partly good, about a princess and her genie, who kept conjuring things for her to see. But it was like they threw in anything they could think of with horses, like a Wild West show, and this long bit of Americana with flags and lights and junk. They had this long vaudeville bit that moved from funny to acutely embarrassing in the space of five minutes. But the horses were pretty, and the best part of the show was the end where they let the entire herd out into the arena to play. All those long hours of brushing them to a fine gloss spoiled by the horses rolling in the dirt.

Next Week! The Magic Kingdom! MGM Studios! And we get screwed by the car rental company!

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