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Let's talk about pain for a minute. First off, I'm aware that what I've been experiencing in my mouth cannot be quantified as 'The Worst Pain In The World'. I've experienced lots of different kinds of pain, from the 'Solid Kick To The Nuts' pain to 'Pour Scalding Water On Your Arm' pain. Each one is different and unique. And I'm sure there are a lot of pains that are far, far worse. Third degree burns over your whole body, for example. Technically, I wouldn't even say that the pain of a broken wisdom tooth is comparable to that of, for example, getting shot. But any chronic, long-term pain acts on a person like the Chinese Water Torture, dripping away steadily at your self-control second-by-second. The record books are full of suicides based strictly on pain that never goes away. The human mind can only deal with it for so long. I've been told that pain is God's way of saying, 'Stop doing that,' and the empirical evidence sure lends to that theory. When I'm in pain, I would do nearly anything to make it stop. I hope no one ever feels it necessary to torture me. I'd fold like wet cardboard in a tornado. In the last few months, I've been shutting down. As the pain came for longer and more severe lengths of time, I've taken to closing myself off, rolling into a mental ball of protection, marshalling my dwindling resources to simply withstand it. Whole days have passed by when, even with the maximum dosages of both Advil and Tylenol working to numb my jangled nerves, the pain has remained a throbbing pulse in my head. Frankly, with that going on, there just aren't enough brain cycles to devote to such trivialities as social engagement or employment priorities. It's been very hard on Lisa. She's human, of course, and just as subject to selfish thoughts as the rest of us flawed beings. She's been a complete treasure with caring for me over the last year, through the layoff, the months of illness, the tooth issues, the pulled back muscles...but only a saint would not get tired of all the damn crap after a while. We had a housewarming party Friday night. About an hour before the first guests were due to arrive, something set off my tooth. What had been a relatively pain-free day suddenly downgraded in a full pain onslaught. It was too late to cancel, plus how often do you get a chance to have a housewarming party in your very first house? Like, what, once? On top of that, Lisa had been so looking forward to it - there was no way I could deny her this one evening, no matter how much I hurt. I suffered through it as best as I could, putting on my guest face, smiling, helping out, chatting with the new neighbors. And even with taking two half-hour timeouts to go lie on the bed with a cold compress, I barely made it through. My efforts to act normal were only partly successful, with the most unaware guest remarking at how tired I looked. Several people sensed my distance and strain. When I pulled Lisa aside to tell her that I was going to go lie down for a while, her face passed through three quick stages. The first, the utterly-human frustration and anger at something that threatened to spoil this night she had been so looking forward to. The second, coming barely a nanosecond later, was the guilt at the first thought, followed by a look of compassion and sympathy that was honest and heartfelt. I love her for that. No human could not feel the first selfish emotion, but only good people are able to make that rapid jump to compassion and understanding. I've even dated people who couldn't make the jump beyond 'sure you're in pain, but what about me?' I still feel bad about it. With an emotion as futile and unfounded as the one Lisa felt, I feel like my little tragedies have let her down in some fashion, like I've failed in providing her with a perfect life, free from some invalid fiancé, constantly hacking up a lung or popping pain killers. And like Lisa's frustration and guilt, it's not a feeling that goes away easy, no matter the soul searching and brow-beating one may do. Now that my boss has managed to wrangle an early start to my health coverage, I should be able to have this tooth taken care of within a week, leaving a whole month to recover completely before the wedding and the honeymoon. I can't even start to tell you what a worry that was, that my tooth troubles might haunt us all the way through, leeching the fun and joy out of this time in our lives that will never, never come again. I feel better already. |
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from 8-Track Mind Tracked on March 16, 2005 08:15 PM |
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