So it's official. We have the house.

And not like a month and a half ago when we got the pre-approval and we thought that meant we could have the house. No. For the information of any prospective first-time buyers out there, 'pre-approval' does not mean you are approved. A fact we didn't comprehend until the Mortgage Monkey off-handedly mentioned it to us while we were panicking over the vast amount of paperwork the bank wanted us to provide. No, it just means your rate is locked in, and the bank can make you jump all the neat hoops it likes for the next few months.

We signed the final bits of paper at the lawyer's office Monday. Barring acts of God, we've got the house.

Yay.

Now I can look at the experience with a bit of hindsight and goggle at how much I absolutely didn't know. I still don't understand everything that happened. But again, for any of you thinking of going through what we've just done, here's some advice. First-time buyer to you. And while most of these may sound like common sense, you'd be surprised how many people don't think of them. We definitely messed up some of these ourselves.

Trust the Experts
Get yourself a good realtor and mortgage broker, especially your first time. These folks have the training and knowledge to get you the right house at a good rate from a reputable firm. They know all the ins and outs and can smooth the process for you.

Don't Trust the 'Experts'
Some of these jerks don't know their asses from holes in the ground. And you won't know the different between an Expert and an 'Expert' until you've been screwed. Find out how things work for yourself. We got decent advice for the most part from our broker and realtor, but there were still things we learned that they didn't.

Learn to Tell the Difference
Referrals are the key to finding a good broker or realtor. Ask everyone you know and trust who they've used. But judge what they say carefully. For example:

Your manager says, "I used this realtor and he was great." - Good referral.
Your co-worker says, "My travel agent's husband is a realtor." - Bad referral.

Save Lots of Money
Let me be very clear: "The odds of you getting approved for a mortgage are in direct proportion to the amount of money you put down."

Sure, you hear about ways to get a mortgage with zero per cent down these days, but odds are pretty damn good those ways don't apply to you, chucky.

Don't Settle
You are looking for your house. Keep looking until you find it. It's out there. Sure, you can paint over that ugly purple color in the office, or fix the weird window that peers into the bathroom, or replace that carpet that the former owner's pets obviously loved a little too much, but only if everything else is absolutely perfect.

Here's the key: If you stand in the middle of the living room and it just doesn't feel like home, don't buy it.

Take Pictures
Take a digital camera with you and snap some pics. The reason for this is two-fold.

1. In planning how to decorate the place, they'll serve as an excellent reminder. Maybe Martha Stewart can pick bathroom linens that match the wallpaper and tiles by memory after a month has passed, but I sure as hell can't.
2. When you get all stressed out about the process and start to feel it just isn't worth it, the photos will remind you why you started the insanity in the first place.

Be Anal
Ask lots of questions. Keep asking them until they actually answer them. Often folks will say, 'Don't worry about that.' No. Get them to tell you. You need to know.

Ask for lists. The most important one should have all the mortgage application paperwork. As soon as you start the process, get an itemized list of every scrap of paperwork you need to provide, from Verification of Employment Letters to copies of bank statements. List the deadline by which each one must be submitted. Submit them early. The bank will always ask for more information, so give yourself time to react.

As a side note, it may seem clever and logical to leave your investments and RRSPs in their respective accounts as long as possible, to take advantage of stock market fluctuations, additional payments, et cetera. This is not a good idea. When you are standing in the bank lobby a half hour before you have to give a closing check to your lawyer pleading with the unsympathetic bank staff to release the funds you deposited into your account the day before, you will understand why.

Banks Are Not There to Help You
Banks give out mortgages so they can make a killing on the interest. And they won't get any money unless they feel they can trust you. And banks don't trust anybody.

That's what the hoops are for. If they can't trust you, they at least want to know that you'll do just about anything to get this house. That's why they will say, "Hm, this letter from your folks that clearly says 'We hereby give our son so-and-so this amount of money to use for his mortgage' is insufficient. Have them fill out this form that says 'We hereby give our son so-and-so this amount of money to use for his mortgage' instead,"

But if you don't give them the forms they want, you don't get the house. Suck it up, sign the papers and move on with your life.

Don't Buy a House at the Same Time as You Plan a Wedding and Plan an Elaborate Honeymoon
Two out of three at most. Maybe. Trust us.

Everything You've Ever Done Will Come Back to Haunt You So Don't Ever Lie About It
Every bit of paper you submit will be verified by voice with the person you refer to. Your boss. Your past boss. Your mother. If you mention someone on any piece of paper, they will get called. By reflex, we downplayed the seven months I was out of work, but the bank still found out and there was some fancy footwork there, let me tell you.

Keep Smiling and Be Polite
The people you are dealing with have no reason to give you anything. You are the one begging to be loaned $200,000. So play nice, JoJo.

That applies to everyone you deal with. Your boss, who might have to write you a glowing letter to show that you'll still be employed this time next year. The mortgage broker, who may not have any freaking bedside manner, but who knows the manager over at Big Bank Mortgages and can give your application that little nudge it may need, and who certainly won't do that if you tell him how otherwise useless he is. The lawyer, who might not be as nice as the one we had when I accidentally referred to her as 'just a paralegal'.

Patience is Not a Virtue. It's a Survival Trait.
These things take time. You likely won't get a 'Yea' or 'Nay' from the bank until eighteen hours after the final cutoff time, so don't sweat about it.

I know, silly advice, given the fact that by that point you've given notice on your apartment, you've dumped several thousand dollars into a deposit and half your life is in boxes, but the number of ulcer operations in your future depends on keeping calm.

Sign the paperwork. Give them everything they ask for. Pray, if you are inclined that direction. That's all you can do. Really.

No, really.

'Maybe' Does Not Mean 'No'
It doesn't mean yes either, but do not let yourself panic when people say, 'maybe this will go through,' or 'maybe the bank will accept this.' You will only hear the word 'Yes' three times during the whole process.

• Yes, they've accepted the offer.
• Yes, you are pre-approved for a mortgage.
• Yes, you are approved for a mortgage.

Keep Control
Your realtor and broker are not your Alfred. They are your Sacagawea.

Listen to them, let them lead you along, but they are only your guide. You need to understand the terrain and make the decisions yourself. If you let them lead you, you will find yourself lost with no idea how to get back out again.

Remember: It IS Worth It
When it is all over and done with, you will have your own house. That is worth any amount of effort to make it happen. Nothing is more satisfying than knowing you owe several hundred thousand dollars to an uncaring institution who will happily take it all away should you miss a single payment.

Wait. What?

Oh right. Comforting closing. I forgot. Right.

Nothing is more satisfying than owning your own home, being completely responsible for all the expensive and backbreaking maintenance and upkeep, not to mention massive taxes, bills, renovations, repairs...

No, really. It's worth it.

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Tracked on January 19, 2005 09:31 PM