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No new entry for December 15. For full details, go here, and check here for this week's update. There has been more discussion lately about how terribly 'whitebread' I am. Okay, yes, I did spend 16 years in the Boy Scouts. Yes, I rarely jaywalk. And yes, the last time I swore, after a full bottle of balsamic vinegar fell off the fridge onto my head, my swearing was so quiet that no one even heard me in the next room. But here today, I want to set the record straight. In the interest of full disclosure and in apology for two weeks of drivel, I will tell the absolute truth about the worst things I've done.
Long time readers should recall when I related the story of a 'friend' who snuck into a movie. I hereby admit that that 'friend' was ME. That's right, I did the bad thing. It only gets worse from here. When I was in junior high school I brought my tuba home every weekend like my teacher insisted, but I never, never practiced. Okay once, but that was it. Six years ago I slipped a stick of underarm deodorant up my sleeve in Safeway so I could leave without paying for it. Sure, I then went and paid for it anyway, but I could have just walked out! That evil was inside me. At debate camp when I was 14, I would sneak out before wake up call and hang out in the quad with the other cool kids. Yes, debaters are cool. Shut up. When I used to deliver flyers as a part-time job, I would deliver to about twenty houses, then dump the rest of the flyers in a dumpster behind a nearby elementary school and hand out in a playground until it was time to go home. Once while I was delivering flyers, I stole free samples of Minute Maid Orange Soda from people's doorknobs. At three different houses. I never ever return my rental movies on time, and when I can no longer dodge the late fees, I go to another store. I spit my gum out the car window while I'm driving. When I was a security guard I broke my oath by stealing office supplies from the place I was protecting. I still have some of those professional quality erasers today. How do you like them apples? At 17 I bought a six-pack of beer from a liquor store. And I didn't even need fake ID. I just walked in, stared him straight in the eye and bought it. And this was a Manitoba liquor store when you had to be 19 to buy alcohol. When I worked as a cook as Boston Pizza I used to eat right out of the pizza topping containers as I made pizzas. And I never washed my hands. Of course there was the party. Back before the Internet became big and we all used to hang out on local online bulletin boards, I used to pretend I was a girl to see how many emails I would get. In grade ten I went to a girl's house after school, got a little drunk and played Five Minutes In A Closet until late and then lied to my parents about where I had been. Sorry Mom and Dad, but the truth has to be told. When I went to test for my driver's license I drove Mom's car to the registry bureau. By myself. I sometime re-gift presents I don't like. That enough for you? Do you believe my assertion now? I'm as vile and evil as any red-blooded man or woman. I succumb to the dark side every now and then. I'm surprised Santa doesn't bring me a stocking filled with coal EVERY YEAR. That not enough for you? I saved the worst for last! .. Here it comes. .. This is the worst. .. I'm not proud of myself. .. .. .. In junior high school, at the annual track and field meet, I snuck under the bleachers, and I looked right up Debbie Kerrington's dress. She was wearing pink panties. I'm going straight to Hell. |
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from 8-Track Mind Tracked on December 1, 2004 01:50 PM |
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I'm a bad, bad man.