I only know four jokes.

Okay, I know a lot more than four, but they rarely pop up when needed. Every week we sit at our staff meeting and someone has to lead off with a joke. I led the first two weeks, expending half my joke supply, and the remaining two jokes are somewhat dirty, making them out of place at work, even when most of my meetings come back to porn after a while.

Plus the other jokes I know other people know. When I spout off, 'How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?', people just roll their eyes and recite back, 'There are footprints in the butter.' And there is usually little interest in the rest of this sequence, which includes an arithmetically increasing number of elephants in your fridge, and an eventual outcome that ties in a Volkswagen from an earlier joke.

Odds are you already know the set. If you don't, send me an email and I'll fill you in. Your education should be complete in things like this.

But these four jokes seem to be pretty much unique to me. I heard them originally from other people, yes - no joke ever seems to erupt Athena-like from my brain - but after I heard them once, I generally never heard them again.

As I'm running late on this entry - odds are I may not even get it up until the morning - I thought this would be a good chance to share them with you.

The first one I heard on the radio last summer. This is my current favorite, as it makes everyone cringe with its sheer awfulness.

Q: Where do hamsters live?
A: In Hamster-dam!

Not sure where I heard joke two, but it goes around in my family. The funny is in the visual it generates, and the fact that half the people I tell need to think about it before they get it. One in fifty people don't get it at all.

Q: How do you kill an ostrich?
A: Scare him on the sidewalk!

Number three is a bit longer, and the payoff is bad enough to make people wonder why they sat through it at all.

Guy and a girl are driving down the road. After a while she leans over to him and whispers, "I want you right now."

He thinks about it and says, "Okay," and pulls over.

She leans over again and says, "This might sound kinda kinky, but I want to do it on the hood."

He thinks about and says, "Okay."

So they get out, but there's a problem - they were in a van.

So they get up on the roof of the van and start going at it. After a while she's enjoying it so much that she grabs the aerial and starts slapping him across the back with it. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

They finish up and get back in the van. After a little while she leans over and looks at his back. It's completely flayed, with the skin coming off and blood and pus everywhere...

So they go to a doctor and the doctor checks him out.

The guy says, "So doctor, what do you think?"

Doctor says, "Well, you've got the worst case of van-aerial disease I've ever seen."

Ba-dum-bum.

The fourth joke is 50 per cent visual. I'll tell you when I see you next.

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